Wednesday, September 28, 2011

just a quick note, on online dating ...

To all of the dudes who have "69" in their online dating profile username,

There is a quick video message for you HERE


Wednesday, September 21, 2011

I'm breaking up with Facebook

Dear Facebook,

It’s been a wonderful few years with you, but I think it’s time we see other people.
You share all my likes and dislikes with everyone.  What used to be just between us isn’t anymore;  all the intimacy has ticked away.
I constantly learned new things, trying to stay with you.  I changed who I was and how I did things, just to please you.  It’s not about us. It’s always only been about you. 
You cared nothing about my needs, you narcissistic megalomaniac, no matter how often or loudly I protested.  Even when 250 of my friends agreed you were a douche, you didn’t care.  My pleas in CAPS LOCK meant nothing to you.
You only listen when you want, spied on my most private internet moments, then taunted me with them, in the right sidebar.
I’m afraid to say anything.  You twist everything and apologize for nothing.  I’ve both hidden things from my friends and unwillingly shared with my enemies, based on your whims.
So many mornings I woke up to wonder what about you was going to be different and unfamiliar.
You’ve changed, Facebook. I just don’t know who you are anymore.


P.S. I’d like my shit back.

Monday, September 5, 2011

So. It's September.

Do you know what that means?

Only two months left before there's a new crop of Movember pics on Plenty Of Fish.




Sunday, September 4, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes: 09/04/2011

Guys, I know English is a fucked up language, but words like “playful”, “helpful” and “wonderful” only have ONE L  at the end ... it’s “dining”, not “dinning” ... and you like to go “biking”, not “bikking”.
And, for crying out loud, you want to “pique” someone’s interest, not “peek” it.
I will never understand why dudes get themselves tattoo’d all over with scarey shit...
Does it never occur to them that they’re gonna totally creep out the women who see them with no clothes on?
Who do they think they’re getting naked with? Satan? (don’t answer that)
Picture caption: “just spinnin’ some wheels with my bros
I don’t get how this is hot. 
When guys write stuff like this, are they trying to pick up other dudes?
Picture caption: “Casual day at work. Jeans and shirt with cufflinks were a big hit.”
What a douche. His coworkers hate his guts.
 My favorite movie is the Shawshank Redemption I don’t know why but I like that movie.”
I don’t know why, but I don’t envision long conversations into the wee hours of the morning
*long, awkward pause
 I have been known to remodel art galleries on my lunch breaks, making them more artistic specifically in the area of art.”
Sometimes the only appropriate reaction is “what the fuck????”
I’m looking for someone I can share experiences with
How sad. We're not a match. I am looking to share not-experiences with someone. 
To the guy interested in “ ... discussing the merits of spam as a member of one of the major food groups
Here’s how that conversation would go:
You:  Spam is a jellied canned luncheon meat made from the by-products of the pork industry.
Me:  Hang on. I’ve gotta take this call ... Oh. My god. My friend’s friend's hamster died. I have to go.
Whenever someone says they’re “searching for the one”,
it should be mandatory they also add “no pressure”.
I am very tall so if you don't like overly tall men then I am probably not for you.”
Yes. Because women  typically aren’t attracted to big, strapping lads who can reach shit for them.
Boys, never ever ever write on your profile that you’re easygoing. 
Some woman will find you, whip you, drain your bank account and put your mother in a home.
I can pee in the woods and I don't wear sketchers
Wait. I fucking like Skechers. I have 3 pairs.  Was that a diss? 
Or does he mean he doesn’t skin artists and wear them as coats?

Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Was making breakfast ...

and was gonna tweet

"my dog has an incredible ability to recognize the sound of my cutting the cheese".

Thank gawd I rethought that.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes: Fair's fair. You wanna read my profile? ;)

I'll just start by apologizing, if I don't reply to your email right away.
I just got 4 new Calvin & Hobbes books. I'm sure you understand.

Throw your hands up if you've met your fair share of people on here who are friiiiightening ... and by frightening, i mean "the call is coming from inside the house" ... “You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps, but not today” … “If Ottawa giveth, then Ottawa can taketh away” kind of terror-inducing.

(and maybe I'm a chicken, but men who are looking for women who are "open-minded" make me nervous)

I think on-line dating is like public transportation’s a fantastic idea, but you can’t control the weirdos that use it ...

But, I'm still optimistic. I still believe in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the idea that I really might find a nice dude on the internet.

OK, but seriously: If you're the kind of dude who has ever found himself thinking, of his girlfriend "OMFG, she's cute, but she never stops talking", we probably won't get along. ;)


i am not one of those women who will kill you for chocolate ... but, if you try to steal my angel food cake, you'll be picking yer nose with yer elbow ...

i am great at advanced math, but can't count worth a darn ...

i'm naturally a tremendous klutz, but have spent good money to jump from a bridge ... more than once ...

i can drive a stick-shift, even parallel park on the left side of a one-way street, but have broken my vaccuum twice trying to navigate my apartment ...

mint makes me sneeze, wheat makes me sleepy, and Jagermeister might be responsible for every time i've ever fallen in love ...

i've never had a cavity and attribute it to my unflinching loyalty to Crest Regular Mint Paste ...

i make Kraft Dinner with organic milk ...

Scorpios seem to dig me a lot ... I used to think my POF inbox was some kind of mathematical proof that Scorpios are hot for Aries ... until someone told me that they're just horndogs ...

i think kisses are like pistachios... you're willing to get a sore tongue and even bear a few rotten ones, searching for that one perfect one .... I just ate a half a bag. I call that hopeful. ;)

i am grateful for everything i have, but reserve the right to still be dissatisfied ...
Please just be normal ... not perfect ... just normal.
(and PLEASE have all of your commitment issues worked out already because, if I like ya, I'm gonna wanna keep you around for a while.)

What am I hoping for?

That really incredible uncomfortable feeling you get when you realize you've found someone you’re totally comfortable with ...

It’s all complicated and confusing. It just has to be awesome too.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes: 08/25/2011


I'm looking for someone to relax with

Well, no shit, dude ... your profile also says you have 6 year old triplets.


If you quote Voltaire and Einstein in your profile,
you probably aren’t really looking for a woman who
doesn’t take  life too seriously


One dude wrote “I like rolling in the grass like a child
which wouldn’t’ve been funny if he’d been a little taller.


When a dude writes “I’m not into wasting anyone’s time”,
we all know that means he lasts 2 minutes, shoves you out of bed & calls you a cab.


I find it hard to believe a dude who he says he’s active, if he can’t be bothered to hit the space bar, in between words.


One guy went on and on for 200 words about how he lives a healthy lifestyle,
but has a photo of himself feeding a french fry to a duck.


I am more than capable of taking care of myself, but too much alone time is not good for anybody

That guy's starting to realize his porn addiction might be a problem.

i’m looking for a suitable partner

Read: “I’m shopping for a uterus I don’t ever need to bring flowers to.”


I know “it’s like searching for a needle in a haystack” is a great metaphor,

but “I wanna be the needle in your haystack” is NOT a very flattering profile headline.


This week's "I shit you not, this is a real profile pic":


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I have watched porn ...

... where the actors used condoms.  And I have watched porn, where they didn't.

Truth be told, I can't feel the difference.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Today's anatomy lesson: Hooters, y'all!

Hooters are exquisite.  They come in all colours and sizes ...

Everyone loves hooters. They're startlingly beautiful ...

Even when slightly mis-matched ...

Or cock-eyed ...

Some men like large hooters ...

Some men prefer hooters to be "not more than a handful" ...

Although, I don't think they mean they like their hooters to be this tiny ...

There are fake hooters ...

Which, apparently, this gentleman prefers ...

Fake hooters can be hard & unwelcoming ...

And occasionally become mis-shapen and weird-lookin' ...

Some hooters are flat ...

But round hooters are particularly pleasing to the eye ...

People have different taste in hooters, but everyone loves a perky pair ...

However, not all hooters are filled with hot air ...

So proper support of the hooters is recommended - as demonstrated here ...

Men don't find hooters to be very interesting, when they are on the ground ...

Or when they're allowed to rest on the keyboard ...

Hooters are much more enjoyable to look at, when they are up high ...

However, hooters are much safer, when properly contained ...

Otherwise, hooters tend to flap around ...

Also, it is generally considered bad fashion for your hooters to be outside your shirt ...

It does look kinda cute, when they peek out a little ...

At the end of the day, it's just about wanting a nice, sweet pair of hooters ...

Sadly, sometimes hooters get sick ...

So, since we love hooters so much, the baby-girl and I are doing the
2011 Run For The Cure

You can donate here and help save the hooters.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes: Shark Week edition

If your username contains the word “Details”, your profile should be more than 50 words long.
The username “ReadyToLiveForMe” doesn't encourage a lot of hopeful feelings you'll be a thoughtful boyfriend.
Just sayin'.
Just saw a profile on Plenty Of Fish, where the guy had written:
"My sister always says 'be the change you want to see in the world'."
I would just like to go on record that I did not send him a message
"Holy fuck, your sister is Ghandi???" like I wanted to.
I have good style and have my own look sometimes
Maybe I'm an asshole, but that second part makes me nervous.
The balance between romantic and skeevy is very delicate. Case in point:
The Rose by any other name would smell as sweet, so I’m waiting my Rose who fulfills my life with her special scent
And if you want to meet send a message...otherwise what's the point of that thing.”  
I’m confused.
Does he mean the reply button or my vagina?
Douchebagweird message of the day:
Reading your profile over coffee while listening to my cousin trying to convince my Alzheimer's riddled aunt to buy a new washing machine. Interesting, and something I will consider doing again.”
Really, guy?
Cuz your message came in at 3:12 a.m.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

According to Twitter ...

I'm "similar to Kanye West".

Errbody knows I'm a motha fuckin monsta.


Monday, August 8, 2011

thank you, ebay

for sending me the message "Congratulations! Your item is listed!"
like I'm so fucking stupid that it's an accomplishment worth celebrating.


WTF product: colored tampons

So, I was flipping through a magazine and found an ad for this product by Kotex.

What a fucking stupid product.  Colored tampons? How ridiculous.
What kind of dumbass thought of this?
Women don't care what color the thing is they're ramming in their ...




Sunday, August 7, 2011

New house rule

Sundays shall not include any activity requiring a tape measure,
unless they also involve a naked dude and a $50 bet.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011

Monday, July 25, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes #2

Listen to THIS SONG, loud and on repeat, while surfing POF.

It’ll totally change your outlook. Try it. I dare ya. ;)
It makes reading profiles super-fun.
If  a guy chooses “Octopus” as his “fish personality”,
I assume he’s trying to set first-date expectations early.

POF should offer "sea cucumber" as an option. That'd at least be crazy-funny.
To the guy who sent me the message:
Yup, interesting , cute , intelligent (as near as I can tell) just distance.....sorry
Uh ... thanks for the awkward compliment and pre-emptive rejection?
I bet I could tell you how tall a dude is, just by reading his profile text.
No kidding.
If you’re going to list “porn videos” as an interest, try to NOT put it before "my kids".
One guy has on  his profile “I don't consider myself to be materialistic but I do love hunting for used LPs. I also designed much of my own furniture.”
40 bucks says his end tables are cardboard boxes.
You’ve definitely been online dating too long, when you see a picture of a dude and think:
“He’s probably a serial killer. He’d better be good in bed.”
Saw a guy whose POF profile headline reads “Searching for the GOLDEN ticket”.  
Um ... doesn’t he know four out of the five kids who found one were fucking assholes?
Today’s profile-writing grammar lesson:
It’s not “I’m looking for someone THAT is [insert unrealistic expectation here] ...”
It is “I’m looking for someone WHO is [insert unrealistic expectation here] ... “
Finding the WTF Douchebag Message of the Day was really difficult with all of the messages with the subject line “hi” ... but, here it is:
might i say that at the end of the day u look pretty damn good. Love the sexy deep eyes the devilishly delightfully delicious lips and the long dark haired gypsy goddess look. have you ever rod eon a motorbike gorgeous, made love in the rain, taken a trip to the dark side of new orleans or nawlens? But just remember by the light of the day the darkness will make you pray for a brighter kind of way to lift ur spirits from way down below to ride the wings of freedom with the universal flow. Umm those lips are absolutely delicious by the way.”

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Bachelorette - 07/18/2011

Ames’ sister says “You won’t find anyone who will say anything bad about him”.
I’m gonna email her the link to my blog. ;) 
Proving he’s out of his (huge) head, Ames calls Ashley brilliant.
It’s a little sad Ames doesn’t know “I’ve never met somebody like you” means “You’re not like my abusive ex-boyfriends; you have no chance, pal.”
Ames goes home –> No Big Fat Geek Wedding for Ashley.
I like Ben F, but don’t like Constantine ... which  is weird, because I suspect they’re the same person.

OMG, something just occurred to me ...

Obsessed with when I'm going to make the next meal, can't express feelings clearly and can't say my name properly ... 

This 5 year old little girl I'm watching reminds me of a few dudes I've dated.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I decided to re-up my Plenty Of Fish profile, just for funsies ...

It's always a source of laughs and writing material, at the very least.
This is what the first 24 hours brought:

My profile  headline was “No shirt. No shoes. No service”
Some genius messaged me to ask what it MEANS.
So I changed it to "Excuse my language ... but OMFG"

I have decided, when a dude asks for a woman who’s “easygoing”, he really wants someone who doesn’t care he’s broke. 
And “outdoorsy” means “will give me a hand-job in the car”.

FYI, dudes:
If your picture is of you in your car, we get maternal and materialistic;
We look to see if you’re buckled up & if you have leather interior.

From one profile:
I also love my ride...typical guy, 99 GT MUSTANG, ahhhh 15grand of work into it is a wonderfull thing, 340hp, 390ft/lb/tq.”
I shudder to think what kind of huge, hairy women will read that and know what the fuck he’s talking about.

Men need a heads-up that requesting  “a woman with an edge” is just asking for some bitch to cut you.

If  a guy lists “online chatting” as an interest ,
I’m gonna guess he hits on 12 year old boys on Second Life, after his girlfriend goes to bed.

“it’s a plus if you like boardgames”

To the dude who loves “private island vacations”:
*cough ... Bullshit

Every time I see a profile marked “Serious member”, I imagine the guy has a very stern looking penis.

Douchebag-incoherent message of the day:

I found my self staring longingly into your eyes and did not hear a word you said...  Is that the kind of creepy your worried about? Perhaps it was like most of my relationships... oh! look at the bird out the window ... crap! another distraction.  Excuse me, I did not hear what you said I was not listening, can you please repeat that?

Thank you to POF for the screamingly honestly-named  Users who want to meet you” feature.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Bachelorette: 07/11/2011

I like Ben F, but the "We're going places" metaphor would've been way hotter,
if he hadn't been leaving on a moped date, at the time.

Ashley again proves her deep understanding of men,
by asking them to pose for wedding photos and not freak the fuck out.

Ashley rationalizes getting Lucas to pose for traditional Taiwanese photos,
by saying "he's a traditional southern guy, so I thought this would be suited for him".  

Brilliant thinking, Ash ... the cultural similarities between Taiwan and Alabama are endless.

Does it ever strike anyone else as weird, when a dude is asked if he wants to get married and he answers "I want kids". Color me crazy, but it kind of seems like an "I'm shopping for a uterus" kind of answer.

Constantine is kind of dark and creepy.  I'd probably fall in love with him, if I ever met him.
Lucas has anger issues. I'd probably fall in love with him, if I ever met him.
Ames gives off a preppy murderer vibe. I'd probably fall in love with him, if I ever met him.

Ashley feels nothing romantic for Ryan.
That probably means he's the only guy there who's not a sociopath.

I feel you, girl.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Girls' Night Out: the debriefing ...

Notes I tequila-typed into my Blackberry last night:

I don’t think there was even one dude in the place who was 6 feet tall.  (*sigh) I have decided there should be a bar dedicated to hunky football players and the women who wanna throw a leg over.
Speaking of football [analogies]: Dudes who dress like clowns are throwing a fashion Hail Mary;
They know they have no game, so they slap on some multi-colored swim trunks and Batman t-shirt and try to score using the “I’m the cute/funny guy” angle. 
Watching people in their 20s trying to seduce each other is SO awkward ... and makes me wonder why anyone would freak out about turning 30.  Someone needs to tell them it’s a way better decade for good nookie.
Girls try to bang the DJ. 
Women date the owner. 
Really desperate girls try to bang the idiot DJ who mixed the Thong Song into Grenade.

(seriously ... wtf was he thinking?)
I love my buddy:
Every woman needs a friend who will tell dudes “she’s looking for someone with a future” on her behalf.


Before I went out, I changed my Facebook status to
"Averill is putting on slutty shoes and leaving the house"

Only 4 people *liked* it and all of them were women.

The universe must be a little off-kilter.


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Oh, a girl can dream ...

Waking up on Saturday morning, with maple syrup in your hair would be way more fun if there was another person with you, who was also waking up with maple syrup in their hair.


Monday, July 4, 2011

The Bachelorette: 07/04/2011

Watching The Bachelorette (thanks for the repeat, ABC):

If this broad doesn't take JP and Ben the winemaker to the final,
I'm going to start a FB group demanding she be sterilized.


Happy 4th of July!

I wish I had British people I don't like on my Facebook friends list ...

cuz unfriending them today would be apropos and super fun.


Friday, June 24, 2011

A & W for lunch

Repeated 3 times "NO LETTUCE. YES MAYO" for my Chubby Chicken burger.
Upgraded (read: nutritionally downgraded) from fries to onion rings.
Then exclaimed loudly:
“Oh! You have DIET rootbeer? GET OUTTA TOWN! I didn’t KNOW that! I’ll have that.”

They mocked me, when I left, didn't they?


Thursday, June 23, 2011

obsessed with the new Maroon 5 song ...

But I’m thinking, if the world made any sense at all, it would be Mick singing about having a face like Adam Levine.