Monday, January 31, 2011

The Bachelor (01/31/2011)

Everything I know about dating, I learned from watching The Bachelor:

It's fun to let a boy buy you thousands of dollars worth of nice clothes, then wear flip flops to dinner.

I want to be a funeral director, so I can truthfully say to all my dates that guys are dying to be with me.

Guys give the most attention to hot psychos.
(ok, this isn't new information)

Girls are always shocked when boys pull away.

I do not cry more than any other chick on the planet.
(ok, this IS new information)

Women constantly crave feeling special. Men constantly crave feeling boobs.

The face-grabber smooch never fails to be genuine and romantic, no matter how many bitches you snog in one evening.

Saying "I'm falling for you" to a girl whose fiance died in a plane crash is a little mean.

Dates that are 80% crying are perfectly acceptable. 
Ask your therapist; he'll tell you it's healthy. 

Creepy = Sexy

I want my next relationship to have a televised exit interview.

This episode was all about chicks who cry a lot.
It's like it was made just for me.
Thank you, ABC <3


Saturday, January 22, 2011

On online dating: #2,418,004

I don’t trust a big, burly, tattoo’d dude who has pictures of an itty-bitty girly-dog on his profile.
It probably means his last girlfriend moved out in such a rush, she was willing to leave her puppy...

Friday, January 21, 2011

We've GOT yer "something blue"

I have a sneaking suspicion TLC channel’s Friday night line-up aimed at chicks at home alone, with its multiple episodes of “Say Yes To The Dress”, “Cake Boss” and “Four Weddings”,  is secretly sponsored by pharmaceutical companies hawking anti-depressants.

Or maybe icecream manufacturers.

Ben & Jerry did always strike me as sadistic fuckers, with their tiny tubs of 87 thousand calorie deliciousness.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

On online dating: #2,417,994

I have to marvel at the usernames men choose for their online dating profiles.
“Hellboy69” just doesn’t scream “long term, marriage and children” to me.  
I just can’t imagine someday exchanging vows with someone who chose that as his first impression.
OK, I can ... but I also envision bloodletting, a virgin and a volcano.

Wednesday, January 19, 2011


I don’t think soup is the best lunch choice for someone doing low-carb.
I would set Pepperidge Farm on fire for crackers right about now.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Things that bring me joy: # 4,882,021

I like watching really pretty women on youtube and pausing the video so the screen shot makes them look goofy.

Is that wrong?

No, I didn't think so either.

The Bachelor (01/17/2011)

This is the most cheesetastic season ever.  Pass the Lactaid.
I keep mixing up my trashy TV shows; I keep thinking “These broads really need Patti Stanger.”


Telling a dude "I don't want to put pressure on you" puts pressure on him.

I learned this.  Last week.



The Bachelor casting directors LOVE girls with attachment disorders, abandonment fears and daddy issues.

It's a miracle how they narrow it down to 25, from 87 bajillion.


Smart money is always on the crazy bitch with the biggest boobs who cries a lot.

I should go on this show.

Saturday, January 15, 2011

you can't makeup this stuff up ...

Went a little overboard exfoliating my face today ... and have a writing class at Second City tomorrow.

So, I have to spend 3 hours with a bunch of aspiring comedians, looking like I have rug burn on my forehead. 


Monday, January 10, 2011

On cougars

I don’t understand the whole cougar phenomenon.

A middle-aged, financially-independent woman looks for casual sex with younger dudes?


It’s not flattering when a kid in his 20s hits on you. He smells desperation. Or stupidity. Or money. It's not that he really thinks you're hot; He's hoping for a happy meal and a blow job.

Do women forget? Those kiddies aren’t good in bed. I wouldn’t sleep with them even when I was their age. Everything they know about sex, they learned from watching bad porn with their drinking buddies.

If an attractive woman says to an age-appropriate man that he could have no-expections, no-strings-attached sex with a an open-minded, free-spirited, independent woman who doesn’t expect him to buy dinner (or breakfast), he’d gladly bang you just as hard as any 24 year old.

Not to mention that you won't have to get up in the middle of the night to throw his bike in your trunk and give him a ride home to his mom's house.

Thursday, January 6, 2011

Wii Wheeeeeee!

I have decided I'll jump on the Wii bandwagon when they invent WiiLazy.
Figurative jumping, that is ... actual jumping is just retarded.