Saturday, April 30, 2011

Princess Beatrice's hat

If her mother wants to get her married off, the hat was brilliant.
It brings attention to her ...
And shows she's not at all wilful and won’t ask to have “obey” removed from her vows.

Women are gonna make fun of her, but dudes are gonna think that’s HOT.

Friday, April 29, 2011

I've had enough ...

of the schmaltzy wedding stuff that makes me feel like crap.
Who ELSE is watching “16 and Pregnant” right now?


Now ... who's in charge of the Royal Divorce pool?

OK,  sure ... 
They both seem really happy now ... and she thinks she’s found a prince ...
But I give it a week before he sends her a BBM that he’s not the guy for her.


watching the Royal Wedding ceremony and wondering ...

When do they jump the broom?  Or shark? Or whatever.

Aaaaaaand the Royal Wedding goes into OT. Somebody fucking SCORE already.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Dear Kate Middleton

I hear you’re getting married in a few hours.
Good luck with that, dude.


For Lauren S :)

I thought about trying to find a verified account on Twitter for my imaginary husband, Clive Owen.

But then I realized part of the awesomeness of having an imaginary husband is not having to give a shit about what he says.


New nutritional rule:

Foods in stick form are all healthy.

Sticks are twigs. Twigs grow on branches. Branches grow on trees. Trees are vegetables.

And so, it shall be done.


Averill made-up word-of-the-day

The hot chick who whips the household into order.


Wednesday, April 27, 2011

On Twitter ...

I have a creepy old dude following me ...

It's starting to feel more and more like real life.


Here's the problem with me and low-carb ...

Eating low-carb doesn't start working until day 3 ...
And the only thing I've ever been able to successfully do for 3 days solid is eat carbs.


Relationships are such a disappointing pain in the ass

I have decided, if any dude ever wants me to put up with his bullshit forever,
he’s going to have to buy me a diamond so big it comes with a sherpa.


Tuesday, April 26, 2011

Was gonna revive my John Cena crush,

until I saw he's following Jwoww on Twitter.

Even my imaginary boyfriends aren't allowed to like fake boobs.


(adult content alert) *slash* Product Idea

Wondering why no one's invented a pill that makes spunk the by-product of the male orgasm       taste like chocolate.
Is the idea just too fucking GENIUS to act on?

Today was a day for weather jokes ...

If Mother Nature asks if you're wearing a sweater, is that a maternal & loving question or a threatening hint?

Judging by the weather, Mother Nature is screaming "No more wire hangers!" right now. 

Mother Nature is a grumpy biatch in need of some good lovin'. Me too, girl. Me too. <3


Tomorrow ....

I go back on the low-carb, but with no cheese this time.

Tonight, we dine in nutritional hell.


it's the guilt writing ...

Watching Mob Wives, Episode 2 ...

If those broads gotsts some serious fuckin' balls, like they keep saying they do, then that explains their voices.

Monday, April 25, 2011

Today, I ...

 ... scrubbed the baseboards in the foyer, pruned the holly in the yard and ripped an herbed cheeseball recipe out of a magazine, remarking “Oh! That would be a wonderful appetizer for a dinner party!”

Could someone please explain how I got here?

Last thing I remember, I was dancing on the speakers with a long-island iced tea in my hand.


Inspired by Mob Wives ...

I have had sauce simmering on the stove all day. 

Cooked ... cleaned ... got pretty ... served dinner.

A male chauvinist pig's wet dream.


(I did not, however, pull some other bitch's hair for being a rat)


FORGET the cheesey advice you've gotten before:

Dance like EVERYONE'S watching.

Otherwise, you're just gonna feel paranoid your outfit's not slutty enough.


Just went to ram a marshmallow peep in my mouth ....

and had to wonder how people who say "I don't eat food with a face" handle moments like this.

Saturday, April 23, 2011

my dog got attacked by a pitbull 15 minutes ago

She's ok ...

but, like a typical female, she's doing some emotional eating now.

great places to stash stuff

I just found a barbecue potato chip in my bra.
SRSLY. A shard the size of a quarter.
I’m always losing stuff down there.
Bin Laden’s probably in there somewhere.

Strange relationship habits of married people: The front yard

Twenty bucks says this dude has a bad back. 

And isn't allowed to have an opinion.

Another twenty says the living room is dusty rose with chintz curtains and matching sofa.


Friday, April 22, 2011

Audrina Patridge's show: Premiere

5 minutes in: Bikini calendar photoshoot. Thank you, MTV, my expectations have been set.

7 minutes in:  Incoherent, abusive heated conversation with drunk mother.

(I'm waiting to see what we get in the next few minutes to achieve the MTV white-trash trifecta)

Uh. Whups. There  ya go. The boyfriend suggested a dj booth in the living room.

Audrina is house-shopping ...

"Voyeur shower"? I have no words
(OK, except maybe "I want")

Audrina is concerned about privacy.

I'm sorry, doll, I can't hear you ...

I'm distracted by the vision of your hoo-hoo that's burned in my brain.


four more guesses ...

on my device password on my phone. I just broke out in a sweat.
My brain cost 47 million billion dollars and I can't figure out how to load a gah-damned song on the media player of my Blackberry.

I think if your phone's smarter than you, after 7 years of university, the government should acknowledge that the system has failed you and forgive your student loans.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

so I have to admit ...

I am a total hypocrite about the junderpants.

For funsies, when I get married, I'm gonna get buddy's last name vajazzled* for the wedding night.

Fingers crossed I don't fall in love with a dude with a really long name or I'm just gonna have to go with "Go Team!"

Go ahead and google, but make sure your virus protection is updated, before clicking images.
Just sayin'.
From experience.


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

Home décor ideas: The Shagnasium

$50 for whoever will help me steal this, get the sticker off & hang it over my bed.

Extreme couponing

I could never go out with one of those extreme couponing dudes.

I'm an old-fashioned girl.

I think the only person who should save money, going on dates, is the woman.


Sunday, April 17, 2011


People need to stop saying mean stuff about porn stars ...

Shame on you for publicly accusing them of unwholesome, unnatural things like going through menopause when they say they're having hot flashes.


Vocabulary 101: Bawling vs Balling

Dear Illiterates of the World,

The words "bawling" and "balling" are not interchangeable.

If you are bawling, you are crying,

If you are balling, you are fucking.

Typing "I was balling, watching the video with that dog" is really creepy.


Donald Trump for POTUS

How could you not trust a dude with state secrets, when he has never cracked and has successfully hidden his hairline for decades?


Saturday, April 16, 2011

Friday, April 15, 2011

My friend Tania asked ...

"which is worse failing or succeeding, seriously?"


My fear of achievement is almost as bad as my fear of failure.

Or maybe it's the same.

Or worse.

I dunno.

My fear of commitment prevents me from saying for sure.


got up early, baked coconut muffins ...

... added ground flax and protein powder to them.

These suckers are so tough, if you stacked enough of them, you could use them to insulate the Fukushima nuclear plant.


Thursday, April 14, 2011

Dear Zsa Zsa Gabor,

I hear you and your mega-super-duper fantastically rich husband are looking for an egg-donor/surrogate ...

Call me. I can courier you my photos and I.Q. results.

C.O.D., of course.



Tuesday, April 12, 2011

you get what you pay for

Bought a cheap, Aussie knock-off hair conditioner and hated it ...

so decided to use it as shaving cream instead ...

and had to laugh, when I noticed that it's called "Down Under Naturals"


it's a mundane thing ...

but there's some kind of weird feeling of failure in being at a stage of your life when you find yourself writing "toilet brush" on the shopping list.


Monday, April 11, 2011

words I made up: "Censorments"

Thoughts I don't express because they'd hurt your fragile fucking feelings.

porn stars onTwitter

Someone just tweeted to Jenna Jameson
"thank you for being so open to all us fans" 

It's not wrong that I yell-laughed at that, is it?


Thursday, April 7, 2011

you know you're over someone when ...

You realize it's been days and days since you checked the "JERKS" folder in your hotmail, to see if they sent you a message.


Wednesday, April 6, 2011

Black Swan lunchtime ...

Had a spinach/parsley/protein powder smoothie for breakfast.

Watched Black Swan.

Now am having Kraft Dinner and Oreos for lunch.

Obviously, seeing skeletal Natalie Portman is having a weird nutritionally-motivating effect.



Sunday, April 3, 2011

It's spring ...

A friend of mine just said "Love is in the air!"



Saturday, April 2, 2011

Single mothers make better girlfriends

I don't know why any dude wouldn't want to date a woman with kids.

We can bake you a cake in 12 minutes. 

Single moms: 1

Sack-of-hammers stupid useless chippy bimbos: 0