Saturday, October 23, 2010

Well hello there, Saturday ...

I would really rather still be in bed with a nice, cuddley dude who throws an arm and a leg over and puts his chin in that spot between my neck and shoulder and snuggles ... until I get too hot and can't breath cuz he's squishing me, so I have to elbow him in the gizzard so I can get up to pee.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Boys party better than girls ...

I can’t remember the last time I was invited to a chick-party I wasn’t expected to bring my chequebook to. You reach an age, when you’re a woman, when the hostess is hawking something at every function you go to.

Scrapbooking parties. Kitchen-ware parties. Candle parties.
Good good [read: expensive] times.

I’ve spent $100 on a candle sconce that looks pretty nice in the foyer, but I’ve never experienced the fun of having to leave the craps table to drain my Mastercard because I ran out of cash.

The biggest gamble I’ve ever taken while partying is hoping that the pretty bra would keep my boob from popping out as well as the ugly bra. I’ve rolled the dice on some turquoise lace, but it’s never cost me my rent for the month.

The worst of the girly-shindigs are the sex toy parties. Maybe I’m a jerk, or maybe I’ve just not been in the right relationship, I dunno … but I think I’d die of embarrassment, coming home from one of those evenings and saying, “Honey, I’m hoooooooome…. An’ I only spent $87 bucks an’ I got this peacock feather an' this wee jar of honey dust.”

And that’s the tame stuff. If I ever get desperate enough to shop for one of those other things, I’ll do it on-line, like all the other shy people, thank you very much .

I will not be checking one out on the inside of my elbow with a bunch of PTA moms sitting around giggling (they say with me), so later they can whisper,

“Did you see that huge thing she bought?”
“Well, she does have 3 kids, y’know….”
"Yeah, but two of them are step-children."

Besides, if I really want to feel lonely and unloved after sex, there’s an ex-boyfriend or two I could call. Whether I'm in a relationship or not … I'm certainly not gonna celebrate my dissatisfaction in front of a bunch of other moms for the low low price of $100 .. then pretend it's the party of the century.

Seriously? If I was married?
I'd want to hide my husband away forever after that, so they wouldn't all stare at him standing on the soccer field, wondering how freaky-deaky he gets ...

Boys don’t buy those things at parties. If they pass out too early, they do, however, wake up with one tucked into the back of their boxers.

Boys party smarter than girls, completely without planning. Girls plot for months, then spend a few hundred bucks on a limo. Boys have no clue what they’re doing until the last minute, but still manage to get the tickets to the box at the Raptors game for free from their bosses. Girls come home with both their eyebrows. Girls never have a court date two months later. When a girl comes home with a tattoo, it’s a teeny-tiny rose somewhere inconspicuous. A boy will come home with a rabid arctic wolf bursting from his rib-cage.

Boys don’t cry when they party too hard, boys bleed and brag about it for months. Their drinks are harder, their injuries more interesting and their strippers are dirtier.

Maybe I need to be friends with more boys. I’d come home broke and broken, but I’d have more fun flinging my money away.


Well, I could shove a 20 in someone’s g-string, but I don’t think Carol from Pampered Chef would appreciate it. She seems like a knickers kinda chick anyhow.


What a tool ...

Realized shopping at a hardware store is like dating. 

The part is never as big as the dude in the ugly shirt says it is.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tits for tat ...

Women who think looking good is the best revenge have clearly never been fucked over by a blind guy.

Getting old ...

I must be getting old.

I was downloading music & stared at the screen in disbelief for a full 10 minutes, shocked there were no results for Maroon 4.

Pick me up ...

Heading out to go grab some caffeine ...

Still thinking there's gotta be some street cred in being able to say you get double-tea bagged every morning.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Fettuccini alfredo is the female orgasm of the pasta world:
Most women haven't had either in 5 years.

Jobs on the internet ...

Saw an online dating profile for a guy who says he’s a 
“scientist entrepreneur”. 

I’m pretty sure that’s internet-speak for “I run a crack lab”.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Rock bottom ...

I will never understand why people say such bad things about hitting rock bottom.

There's a lot of ice cream here.

The Devil Wears Prada ... To Denny's

I was talking to a guy-friend of mine recently, who has “girlfriend issues”. I think, overwhelmingly, his concern is that she’s not really his girlfriend…and likely not even a reasonable facsimile. But, as is to be expected, she’s tremendously good-looking.

That having been said, I still don’t understand the attraction. She requires a lot of care. She’s heavily painted. Really, the girl belongs in the basement of the Louvre…If it was an after-hours dance club and served vodka and Red Bull, that is.

From time to time, I ask him how it’s going with her…

“You seen her lately?”

“You gonna see her soon?”

“You think she’s seeing other people?”

“You’re seriously spending THAT MUCH on her for Christmas???”

“She’s high-maintenance, huh?”

We normal girls wonder why y’all love to be with such difficult broads (even if they are smokin’ hawt) … just like you guys wonder … well … kinda why we do everything.

There are soooooo many things a woman will do that will tell you she’s going to be a nightmare….

If a girl tells you PROUDLY that she doesn’t eat at McDonald’s, don’t believe it. The more pleasure a girl has in telling you she won’t eat junk, the more likely it is that she’s really fibbing and going thru the drive-thru for a McChicken (I take mine no lettuce, by the way) on the way home from your place. It’s a rare rare girl that’s hard-core nutritionally (hello, salt and sugar, I looooooove you) … so any girl who tells you she’s always good is (a) a liar, and (b) cranky because she's dying to go home, sit on the floor in front of her fridge and scoop icing out of the tub with Doritos (about 12 seconds in the micro will make it soft enough to not snap the chips)…

If you wake up together on a Saturday or Sunday morning and you roll over and suggest you go out for breakfast and she takes more than FIVE minutes to get ready, you should dump her. Any girl who doesn’t understand that the uniform for weekend breakfast out does NOT include makeup, but DOES include a ponytail and clothes comfy enough to nap in after, can’t function long-term. Yeah, yeah, you all wanna date porn-stars, but they’re no fun when you just wanna ram a huge pile of bacon in yer face.

And, if you ever find yourself fainting with hunger, keeping your crusty girlfriend’s spot in line at the wheatgrass juice bar, holding the Coach purse you bought her, while she madly texts you-have-no-clue-who … don’t say the rest of us normal girls didn’t … nag you.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I'll take the combo ...

Waiting for my epiphany ... and hoping it comes with fries and a Coke.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Relative risk ...

I'm getting a visit this week from my brother, on his way out of the country for work.

A few days of togetherness in our family is a great warm up for the dangerous jungles of Colombia.

Cocoa my gawd ...

Saw a woman the other day, wearing a shirt that said

"Give me your chocolate and no one will get hurt"

Judging by her appearance, I'd have to guess all of Switzerland has been spared.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Friday night ...

The dog and I just changed the aerator on the kitchen faucet.

Well, I changed it ... she checked her butt.

That's what I imagine being married would feel like.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Things I like about autumn

One of the things I like most about fall is only having to paint my toenails if I'm going to get laid not having to paint my toenails.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Martha's on Oprah today ...

I heard Martha Stewart is on Oprah today.

I am not going to watch.

I haven't known how to fold fitted sheets for 37 years and I think I can happily live the rest of my life just balling those suckers up in the linen closet, thank you very much.

Monday, October 4, 2010

'tis the season ...

I have to admit I'm one of those people who loves fruitcake.

The three of us should get together sometime.