Friday, May 27, 2011

According to Facebook Insights,

the fangroup for this blog shows that I have 82 active monthly users. 

Interesting information, that is ...  

My Facebook stats are slightly lower than my dating stats.


Someone gave me a bottle of Yves St. Laurent “Paris” perfume ...

From the smell of it, I’d say 120 year-old women everywhere need to write this product developer a thank-you note for trying to get them laid.


I am always really REALLY proud ...

and pleasantly surprised, when dudes I know have great taste in women and don't date skanky ho-bags.

But telling them kinda feels a little bit lame,
like saying "Congratulations on learning how to breathe".


Thursday, May 26, 2011

It's no wonder dudes love Facebook ...

You can poke a girl for years and never have to buy her a diamond.


Wednesday, May 25, 2011

In the past year ...

I have not watched Oprah even once.

And you know what?

I have miraculously been able to find stuff to read on my own.


Who's crazy now, huh?

Kim Kardashian just got a 20.5 carat engagement ring from her boyfriend.
My serious obsession with the beauty secrets of the Kardashian sisters has been vindicated.


Tuesday, May 24, 2011

Found ants in the kitchen this morning

Sat cross-legged on the kitchen floor for a half-hour, coffee in one hand, vacuum nozzle in the other ... CONVINCED if I sat there long enough, waiting for them to come out of hiding, I would GET THEM ALL.

Have you ever seen the movie “When A Man Loves A Woman”?

Sometimes I think, if I ever get married, it will be like that ... but with random goofy behaviour, instead of alcohol.


Monday, May 23, 2011

Ask me what I'm yearning for ...

 I wrote this piece a few years ago & thought today I should update it.
Some of you may remember the original.

Ask me what I'm yearning for and I'll tell you:

A man who would never let something as small as "who cleans the bathroom?" become a relationship issue ...

A man who understands a home is more than a building full of stuff or the chores contained within it ...

A man who thinks it's cute when i'm sappy, charming when i'm scattered, and hysterical when i'm silly ...

A man who understands being faithful is more than just committing yourself physically ...

A man who appreciates having a family doesn't just mean raising happy children ... it's also about raising them to be adults who will want to come home to us when they're older ...

A man who will eventually love my child and is confident I would adore his too ...

A man who kisses me, kisses his babies ... and knows sometimes the best way we can show him we appreciate his hard work is a good old-fashioned dog pile ...

A man who wants to hold my hand often, not in possessiveness, but in support and love ... and tells me with a wandering thumb that everything will be ok ...

A man who knows you can't substitute treating someone like they're desirable for treating them like they're loveable ...that both are important, but only one will truly feed your soul ...

A man who phones when he wants to... hopefully often ... and who looks forward to calls from me, because he knows it means I wanted to spend a few minutes with him ...

A man who knows a simple "I'm here" means everything and fixes anything ...

A man who will just let me be a woman ... and will feel glad when that gets him cookies, grateful when it gets him the spot as the big spoon and always knows all those little things add up to mean there's no substitute for him ...

A man who never leaves me alone, whether he is in my presence or not ...

A man who will forgive my mistakes in the morning, forget them by the afternoon and still count me among his blessings at night ...

A man who magically transforms the trepidation into anticipation ... and the fear into fervor and force ...

A man who can be glad to be with me ... in the moment, every moment ... and shows it with a gorgeous smile with nothing hidden behind it ... and is not still be sad for whatever difficult things that brought him there ...

A man who believes "best friend" is far more than a label and is a gift i've reserved for him, long before we even meet ...

A man who understands what i mean when i tell him i've missed him every day until the first time he says hello

A man who expects and needs as much from me as I do from him ...

Someone who isn’t an asshole.


was out pruning my hedge in the front yard this morning ...

Got a lot of "Averill's bush needs attention" jokes from the neighbour.

Came in to check my email ... had a 50% off waxing services coupon from wagjag.

I can already tell the universe is going to test my sense of humour today.


This one's dedicated to Abena, with many thanks for her loving concern and interest in my whoreticultural skills. ;)

Sunday, May 22, 2011

it's been 3 weeks today ...

no starch or sugar.

And I still love you all like some of you barely tolerate one or two of you.


A very famous porn star ...

just tweeted that she's quitting Twitter, because it's ruined her life and family.

This, coming from a chick who got famous by being banged on camera for cash.


"Sorry, babe. I'm just really busy"

Women constantly marvel at how suddenly dudes become so very swamped with work, after they sleep with them.
Yeah yeah.
We’ve all read “He’s just not that into you” ...
But some of us are smart enough to know it’s because the guy’s cheap, lazy and all his free time is monopolized jerking off to porn. 


Saturday, May 21, 2011

absolutely true story

The other night I had a bad dream that I married a really really short (like 4 ft tall)
dude with bad teeth, who barfed on me.

(no more snacks before bedtime, Averill)

My phone rang at 4 a.m. and I was all disoriented. 
When I checked the phone in the morning, I had a message that I had dialed 9-1-1.
“If this is a real emergency, please call back ...”
I dunno if it was an emergency.  I mean ... He did own his house.

I think God invented socket-wrenches

so women don't have to get married. OR so they can marry puney dudes.


What time was this Rapture stuff supposed to start at?

I need time to take off my bra, stuff my face with pizza and cake
and tell a few people what massive assholes I think they are.


Friday, May 20, 2011

The Rapture outfit

I'm thinking slutty with lots of sparkles.

And waterproof mascara. I'm guessing things might get a little emotional.


I am unclear how Rapture works ...

Do we leave cookies and milk out or not?


Why does Google ...

keep showing me “single girls in your area” ads?
Is it because I made a Lindsay Lohan joke the other day?


Anyone wanna admit they're on a crash-diet today ....

wanting to look good for the after party ... after life ... whatever?


Thursday, May 19, 2011

Rapture? What's this Rapture thing?

From what I’ve been hearing, it sounds a lot like Plenty Of Fish. 



I start every morning ...

sitting cross-legged on a dining room chair, bunny in my lap, almond coffee in my hand, watching sketch comedy on youtube.

And I don’t wanna seem ungrateful or anything, but if the universe would see fit to send me a  hot dude to bring me a waffle and kiss me on the forehead, that’d be pretty amazeaballs.


Tuesday, May 17, 2011

if I had written "The Secret"

it would be illustrated with stuff like this

(photo credit: some random internet funny genius)


was watching Extreme Couponing last night ...

And some woman bought 93 bags of croutons ... Which seemed kinda crazy, at the time.

Then I decided I’m gonna star in my own show “Extreme Croutoning”
as soon as I get over all this low-carb bullshit.


Monday, May 16, 2011

Someone needs to explain to dudes ...

that extensive familiarity with pornography does not qualify as “pop culture knowledge”.


Sunday, May 15, 2011

I got the picture ...

Never ever ... ever ... tell a dude you need head shots done.
It won’t be a productive conversation. 

Friday, May 13, 2011

Does lipgloss have carbs?


Polybutene                                        [I'm gonna figure some kind of flammable gas = not carbs]
hydrogenated polyisobutene        [fatty flammable gas = not carbs]
mineral oil                                          [fat = not carbs]
flavor (aroma)                                   [aroma is smell = not carbs]
silica silate                                          [glitter = fibre]

I think I’m good ...


Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Hey, DailyMile ... That's kinda mean ...

No sugar or starch for 10 days ...

I could live WITHOUT this particular fucking workout tracking detail.


For funsies, I googled "how to make homemade natural soap"

And got as far as “Make sure to wear eye goggles and waterproof gloves”
Ummmmm ... Fuck that.
If I’m gonna gear up in all kinds of protective rubber products,
it’s sure as hell not because I’m trying to get clean.


Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I have pieces of paper and notes scribbled all over ...

Post-its and shreds of cardboard, stuck to stuff, taped to the fridge, tacked to the walls ...
ideas for stuff I want to write.
Does anyone know what I might’ve meant by “ringtone sushi ” ?


I am wrapping up day 9 of NO sugar or starch.

9 days. Nine. NINE. Days. No. Sugar. None. No nothin'.
I just saw a millisecond flash of a cartoon donut in an animated movie trailer ... loudly whimpered, instantly drooled and almost fell off my chair in a full body seizure. 
I think I'm doing pretty good.


Monday, May 9, 2011

I'm just curious ...

How DO you have text-sex with someone who doesn’t like foreplay?
Do you just type “I fucked you. The end.”

Got a haircut ...

It’s still long, but I got bangs cut.
The baby-girl says it's “AWESOME”,
but I’m suspicious she only loves it because maybe I look like Justin Bieber.


Sunday, May 8, 2011

I really love Mother's Day ...

It’s pretty awesome. 
But can it be over? I kinda just wanna go to bed now.
The way I see it, once all the presents are open, you really should just go to night-night to make the next day with presents come faster.
Makes sense, nu?


I got a Prince song when the iPod shuffled ...

“I would die for you”
Of course you would, you frail little weenie-twerp.
You’d get your scrawny ass killed, leaving me all alone to shit-kick the mugger myself.


Mother's Day blogs ...

 posted here


Saturday, May 7, 2011

Hugs and kisses for Dayna ...

She heard my earlier request  for a picture resembling the maternal parental unit, so I could put it up on Facebook for Mother’s Day.
Dayna and a couple other people who have met the person in question (sorry, guys) have agreed that the resemblances are close, but don’t convey NEARLY ENOUGH EVIL.
Although, they are pretty damn good, if you imagine the smile and look of self-satisfaction are due to the fact that ALL THE LITTLE KIDDIES ARE CRYING.


anyone who thinks ...

driving while smoking isn’t a dangerous distraction clearly has never tried to ash their cigarette out the window and had the heater blow back into the car while doing 100 km/hr on the highway.

(they’ve also never had to later tell their dad why there was a burn-hole on the back seat of the Prelude, but that’s a whole other kinda dangerous)


Friday, May 6, 2011

Just got a text from my brother ...


“Have you cried yet today?”

I love that kid.


Thursday, May 5, 2011

OK, which of you jokers ...

 .. put a Rick Astley / Pet Shop Boys mashup on my iPod?
"I'm never gonna give you up, West End Girls"?


Everyone on Facebook ...

is changing their pictures for Mother's Day ...
I want to post a picture of my maternal parental unit like everyone else, but I'm gonna need someone who's good with photoshop to do a mashup of Joan Crawford and Ursula from the Little Mermaid first.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

tattoo ideas ...

I’m thinking of getting this tattoo’d on my hoo hoo ...

Or maybe this ...


Is it just me ...

or does it seem like the Jehovah's Witnesses did the casting for Survivor Redemption Island?


Pass the methodone, please

So today’s day 3 off’n th’carbs, after the Easter sugar-fest.
The first few days are really tough. After that, it’s all gravy.
Mmmmm ....
Grrraaaavy ....

I am a huge Star Wars fan ...

but I just can't bring myself to utter the words "May the Fourth be with you" out loud. 
I could possibly say "you ungrateful, rage-loving, abusive, scummy, intolerant, ego-maniacal load of disingenuous, misogynistic shit" if pushed, though.


Monday, May 2, 2011

To the people talking smack about the POTUS today:

The heroes you're cheering for risking their lives going into the most dangerous places on the planet on his command probably weren't talking crap about him this morning ... so shutyerlazychickenshitpieholes.


Sunday, May 1, 2011


(You might have to google Destin Pfaff to get this one ... )