Monday, February 28, 2011

small miracles

Thrilled my friend's husband is taking the baby-girl and her buddy to the Bieber movie.

I couldn't possibly do it sober and don't think being shit-faced drunk in a theatre full of kids would be appropriate.

Saturday, February 26, 2011

Saturday's profound thought

I always strike while the iron is hot.
It leaves a better mark on their face than if you just hit 'em with a cold iron.

Monday, February 21, 2011

coffee genius

I was setting up the coffee machine last night and noticed the can of coffee I’ve been using for a WEEK is decaffeinated.
Well, no WONDER I felt like shit.
People kept asking me why I was so quiet.
I kept answering, "I dunno. I just don't feel like talking."

Saturday, February 12, 2011

Balls & chain

Someone asked me recently what I was looking for in a relationship ...
Jackass with wedding rings would be good;  
You laugh your ass off  having crazy fun with your best bud.
Except maybe fewer nutsack injuries.

Friday, February 11, 2011

Extreme girly moment # 5,316,449

Just watched a youtube video on how to get sexy Playboy hair
(not to be mistaken for the sexy bedhead Victoria's Secret Angel hair)

HELLOOOOOOOOOO mid-life crisis.

Tuesday, February 8, 2011

I'll have lies with that

Saw a woman at McDonald's tonight, ... rudely freaking out,  yelling and throwing a bitch-fit about the Happy Meal toys:

"What're you saying you don't have the My Little Pony? If you promote them, you should have them.  I came in JUST for the toys. I only CAME HERE for the TOYS!"

Lady, I've seen you and I've seen your double Big Mac, so I'm gonna call bullshit on that one.

Monday, February 7, 2011

The Bachelor (02/07/2011)

This week’s Bachelor drinking game: Every time someone says “Costa Rica”, you have to do a shot.
Chicks always dig helicopter rides.  Boys, write that down.

I love when Brad says profound stuff like "Group dates are TOUGH!"
No duh, dude.  Dating one chick at a time is nearly impossible. 
There aren't enough production assistants in the world to make a five-on-one manageable.
If you have to say “I’m glad there were no tears” after you take a girl out, you just might be a horrible boyfriend and the reason why she cries incessantly.  Just sayin'.  Maybe from experience.

If I had been on the date Alli went on, I would’ve totally yelled
“I don’t wanna go on any more of your crazy Goonie adventures!”


Sunday, February 6, 2011

Once upon a time, in my living room ...

I’m watching the bunny try to romance the dog.
You know how it goes:
She’s like “Yeah, he’s short, but I’m a dog.”
He’s running around after her, grunting, making her feel pretty.
Sure, it’s all sweet and woodland creature cute, but we know how this is gonna end.
 He’s attentive now, but as soon as he humps her, he’s gonna suddenly get really busy with work.  She’s gonna get insecure and clingy. He’s gonna get all passive aggressive and shit and dodge her calls while he tries to figure out how to bang the next bitch.
It’s a timeless love story playing out, right here in my apartment.

Saturday, February 5, 2011

Everything I know about the Superbowl, I learned on youtube

I had no idea who's playing in the Superbowl, until I noticed a black and yellow makeup tutorial on youtube. 

Then I watched the makeup tutorial: Steelers

Then I read the comments on the makeup tutorial: versus the Packers

Such a girl.


Wednesday, February 2, 2011

Weather or not

Lots of hype, false promises of several inches,  and broken vows of plowing late into the afternoon ... followed by disappointment, boredom and the feeling of being held hostage.
 Colour me crazy, but I think I dated this snowstorm.