Tuesday, August 30, 2011

Was making breakfast ...

and was gonna tweet

"my dog has an incredible ability to recognize the sound of my cutting the cheese".

Thank gawd I rethought that.


Monday, August 29, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes: Fair's fair. You wanna read my profile? ;)

I'll just start by apologizing, if I don't reply to your email right away.
I just got 4 new Calvin & Hobbes books. I'm sure you understand.

Throw your hands up if you've met your fair share of people on here who are friiiiightening ... and by frightening, i mean "the call is coming from inside the house" ... “You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps, but not today” … “If Ottawa giveth, then Ottawa can taketh away” kind of terror-inducing.

(and maybe I'm a chicken, but men who are looking for women who are "open-minded" make me nervous)

I think on-line dating is like public transportation’s a fantastic idea, but you can’t control the weirdos that use it ...

But, I'm still optimistic. I still believe in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the idea that I really might find a nice dude on the internet.

OK, but seriously: If you're the kind of dude who has ever found himself thinking, of his girlfriend "OMFG, she's cute, but she never stops talking", we probably won't get along. ;)


i am not one of those women who will kill you for chocolate ... but, if you try to steal my angel food cake, you'll be picking yer nose with yer elbow ...

i am great at advanced math, but can't count worth a darn ...

i'm naturally a tremendous klutz, but have spent good money to jump from a bridge ... more than once ...

i can drive a stick-shift, even parallel park on the left side of a one-way street, but have broken my vaccuum twice trying to navigate my apartment ...

mint makes me sneeze, wheat makes me sleepy, and Jagermeister might be responsible for every time i've ever fallen in love ...

i've never had a cavity and attribute it to my unflinching loyalty to Crest Regular Mint Paste ...

i make Kraft Dinner with organic milk ...

Scorpios seem to dig me a lot ... I used to think my POF inbox was some kind of mathematical proof that Scorpios are hot for Aries ... until someone told me that they're just horndogs ...

i think kisses are like pistachios... you're willing to get a sore tongue and even bear a few rotten ones, searching for that one perfect one .... I just ate a half a bag. I call that hopeful. ;)

i am grateful for everything i have, but reserve the right to still be dissatisfied ...
Please just be normal ... not perfect ... just normal.
(and PLEASE have all of your commitment issues worked out already because, if I like ya, I'm gonna wanna keep you around for a while.)

What am I hoping for?

That really incredible uncomfortable feeling you get when you realize you've found someone you’re totally comfortable with ...

It’s all complicated and confusing. It just has to be awesome too.


Thursday, August 25, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes: 08/25/2011


I'm looking for someone to relax with

Well, no shit, dude ... your profile also says you have 6 year old triplets.


If you quote Voltaire and Einstein in your profile,
you probably aren’t really looking for a woman who
doesn’t take  life too seriously


One dude wrote “I like rolling in the grass like a child
which wouldn’t’ve been funny if he’d been a little taller.


When a dude writes “I’m not into wasting anyone’s time”,
we all know that means he lasts 2 minutes, shoves you out of bed & calls you a cab.


I find it hard to believe a dude who he says he’s active, if he can’t be bothered to hit the space bar, in between words.


One guy went on and on for 200 words about how he lives a healthy lifestyle,
but has a photo of himself feeding a french fry to a duck.


I am more than capable of taking care of myself, but too much alone time is not good for anybody

That guy's starting to realize his porn addiction might be a problem.

i’m looking for a suitable partner

Read: “I’m shopping for a uterus I don’t ever need to bring flowers to.”


I know “it’s like searching for a needle in a haystack” is a great metaphor,

but “I wanna be the needle in your haystack” is NOT a very flattering profile headline.


This week's "I shit you not, this is a real profile pic":


Wednesday, August 24, 2011

I have watched porn ...

... where the actors used condoms.  And I have watched porn, where they didn't.

Truth be told, I can't feel the difference.


Wednesday, August 17, 2011

Today's anatomy lesson: Hooters, y'all!

Hooters are exquisite.  They come in all colours and sizes ...

Everyone loves hooters. They're startlingly beautiful ...

Even when slightly mis-matched ...

Or cock-eyed ...

Some men like large hooters ...

Some men prefer hooters to be "not more than a handful" ...

Although, I don't think they mean they like their hooters to be this tiny ...

There are fake hooters ...

Which, apparently, this gentleman prefers ...

Fake hooters can be hard & unwelcoming ...

And occasionally become mis-shapen and weird-lookin' ...

Some hooters are flat ...

But round hooters are particularly pleasing to the eye ...

People have different taste in hooters, but everyone loves a perky pair ...

However, not all hooters are filled with hot air ...

So proper support of the hooters is recommended - as demonstrated here ...

Men don't find hooters to be very interesting, when they are on the ground ...

Or when they're allowed to rest on the keyboard ...

Hooters are much more enjoyable to look at, when they are up high ...

However, hooters are much safer, when properly contained ...

Otherwise, hooters tend to flap around ...

Also, it is generally considered bad fashion for your hooters to be outside your shirt ...

It does look kinda cute, when they peek out a little ...

At the end of the day, it's just about wanting a nice, sweet pair of hooters ...

Sadly, sometimes hooters get sick ...

So, since we love hooters so much, the baby-girl and I are doing the
2011 Run For The Cure

You can donate here and help save the hooters.


Sunday, August 14, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes: Shark Week edition

If your username contains the word “Details”, your profile should be more than 50 words long.
The username “ReadyToLiveForMe” doesn't encourage a lot of hopeful feelings you'll be a thoughtful boyfriend.
Just sayin'.
Just saw a profile on Plenty Of Fish, where the guy had written:
"My sister always says 'be the change you want to see in the world'."
I would just like to go on record that I did not send him a message
"Holy fuck, your sister is Ghandi???" like I wanted to.
I have good style and have my own look sometimes
Maybe I'm an asshole, but that second part makes me nervous.
The balance between romantic and skeevy is very delicate. Case in point:
The Rose by any other name would smell as sweet, so I’m waiting my Rose who fulfills my life with her special scent
And if you want to meet send a message...otherwise what's the point of that thing.”  
I’m confused.
Does he mean the reply button or my vagina?
Douchebagweird message of the day:
Reading your profile over coffee while listening to my cousin trying to convince my Alzheimer's riddled aunt to buy a new washing machine. Interesting, and something I will consider doing again.”
Really, guy?
Cuz your message came in at 3:12 a.m.

Tuesday, August 9, 2011

According to Twitter ...

I'm "similar to Kanye West".

Errbody knows I'm a motha fuckin monsta.


Monday, August 8, 2011

thank you, ebay

for sending me the message "Congratulations! Your item is listed!"
like I'm so fucking stupid that it's an accomplishment worth celebrating.


WTF product: colored tampons

So, I was flipping through a magazine and found an ad for this product by Kotex.

What a fucking stupid product.  Colored tampons? How ridiculous.
What kind of dumbass thought of this?
Women don't care what color the thing is they're ramming in their ...




Sunday, August 7, 2011

New house rule

Sundays shall not include any activity requiring a tape measure,
unless they also involve a naked dude and a $50 bet.


Tuesday, August 2, 2011