Thursday, March 31, 2011

How suspicious ...

Boys constantly say they never understand what women are talking about ...

Until we say dudes are stupid and then all of a sudden they know what we mean.


Tuesday, March 29, 2011

words of encouragement

Someone told me once "Averill, you can do anything!"

I know it wasn't either of my parents, so
I'm gonna guess it was a dude I was sleeping with.


Sunday, March 27, 2011

a wee birthday note

I would like to thank all of my friends who posted such sweet birthday wishes on my Facebook page yesterday and today.

To those of you who took the time: Thank you. I am sincerely touched.

To those of you who didn't: You can paypal me your apologies.


Friday, March 25, 2011

you know you're old when ...

You think #hashtag is a game you play when you're really really high.


celebrity asshats

Can't figure out why Lady Gaga doesn't wear an actual ass as a hat.
Seems appropriate, nu?
Maybe that's why. Gosh, fashion is so COMPLICATED.

cost/benefit analysis of breakfast

I HATE store-bought tomatoes. And cottage cheese.

And yet, I am having both for breakfast.  With a can of tuna.

I should've just had waffles; As long as Clive Owen is married, there will never be a dude good enough to torture myself like this for.



Wednesday, March 23, 2011

bedtime snack attack

Couldn't fall asleep last night. Something ouchy jabbing me.

Freaked out, jumped out of bed squealing, thinking it was a HUGE BUG biting my boob.

Nope. Popcorn in the sports bra. So sexy.


Tuesday, March 22, 2011

the dating duck test

If he looks like relationship material, swims like relationship material and quacks like relationship material ...

He's probably a narcissistic rage-oholic.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Dating Clichés 201

Looking good isn’t just the best revenge, it’s also the best way of ensuring the  next guy who fucks you over is a higher calibre of man than the last.



Friday, March 18, 2011

sometimes, boys are SMRT

My computer erupted in viruses yesterday and a guy friend of mine suggested
"Wear a tight, low cut shirt and go see the Geek Squad dudes"
I need my computer fixed, not cunnilingus. What an idiot.
That’s a brilliant idea.  The dude’s a genius.

Thursday, March 17, 2011

Celebridiots: Samantha Ronson

"Aren't earth day and st patrick's day the same thing? Why have two? #gogreen"

This, and other genius thoughts, from the woman person who thought Lindsay Lohan was relationship material.


Holiday exclamations you'll never hear:

"May the luck of the Jewish be with you!"


St. Patrick's Day

I'm not Irish ... So, unless yer gonna fast with me on Yom Kippur, don't fucking pinch me for not wearing green.


Wednesday, March 16, 2011

Murphy's law of grocery shopping

There will ALWAYS be a big, sexy dude in line behind you, at the grocery store, when you are buying ramen noodles and 2-for-$5 boxes of Twinkies ...

NEVER when you are buying 47 dollars worth of boneless, skinless chicken breast, 8 cans of tuna and a case of broccoli.

Thursday, March 10, 2011

you know you're talking to a boy when ...

... you say you’re having a carrot muffin and have to quickly follow it up with
“That’s a breakfast item, not a euphemism, you idiot.”

Wednesday, March 9, 2011

single awareness moment

It’s snowing out, I’m cooking dinner and just had one of those moments when you realize, if you were married, you’d be texting someone

meh'king supper

Just realized my dinner plans totally overshot my ambition and interest in eating ... which is disturbing because, basically, it's pasta and cake.



Tuesday, March 8, 2011

International Womens' Day

I’m happy for all the International Women that they're getting so many shout-outs today, but think the domestic ones might be feeling a little excluded.


Monday, March 7, 2011

An open letter to the 80s

On behalf of all of the women with big boobs, I’d like to ask you to please go away and never come back ... and kindly take your ruffles, huge shoulder pads and weird color-blocking with you.

Friday, March 4, 2011

deep thoughts at breakfast time

I love English muffins but, if I ever switched teams, I'd probably go for the Spanish ones.  

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Girl-speak versus Boy-speak: Lingerie

Girl-speak:  If my bra matches my panties, it’s lingerie.

Boy-speak:  If she has to take a muscle-relaxer to get into it, it’s lingerie.

Top Gun Rockstar. Awesome.

I’ve been telling boys for years that I’m a white tiger.

Charlie Sheen stole my schtick. 
And, now that I think about it, I can't find my mercury surfboard either.

Wednesday, March 2, 2011

Survivor (03/02/2011)

Watching the Immunity Challenge on Survivor and hoping the symbolism in spitting on a tube and manipulating balls aren't lost on everyone.

Tuesday, March 1, 2011

The Bachelor (02/28/2011)

Brad Womack douchebag comment of the week:
This is it. This is the overnight date week.  This is the week I get to spend some very intimate time alone with each of the women.  This is what I’ve been waiting for.”


A lion is the one animal that I wanted to see the most.”
Brad went to South Africa for pussy. We get it.


Brad thinks all relationships need to experience something scary to create a bond to hold it together.  You know, because really really liking someone and not sucking face with other people isn’t enough.


In case you didn’t catch the insincerity the first time Brad says something, he’ll say it again:
 I’m an extremely happy guy right now ... I am.”


Brad’s cliché count this week: 87,555,226,031
That might be a little inaccurate, though. I got up for a few minutes to do the dishes.


Dear Bon Jovi

I hate “Bed of Roses” ... It’s such a load of fairy tale horseshit.
But, yeah yeah.  I get it.
“I can barely be bothered to hit play on the c.d. player before I bend you over the back of the couch” probably wouldn’t sell a lot of records.