Monday, July 25, 2011

Plenty Of Fish notes #2

Listen to THIS SONG, loud and on repeat, while surfing POF.

It’ll totally change your outlook. Try it. I dare ya. ;)
It makes reading profiles super-fun.
If  a guy chooses “Octopus” as his “fish personality”,
I assume he’s trying to set first-date expectations early.

POF should offer "sea cucumber" as an option. That'd at least be crazy-funny.
To the guy who sent me the message:
Yup, interesting , cute , intelligent (as near as I can tell) just distance.....sorry
Uh ... thanks for the awkward compliment and pre-emptive rejection?
I bet I could tell you how tall a dude is, just by reading his profile text.
No kidding.
If you’re going to list “porn videos” as an interest, try to NOT put it before "my kids".
One guy has on  his profile “I don't consider myself to be materialistic but I do love hunting for used LPs. I also designed much of my own furniture.”
40 bucks says his end tables are cardboard boxes.
You’ve definitely been online dating too long, when you see a picture of a dude and think:
“He’s probably a serial killer. He’d better be good in bed.”
Saw a guy whose POF profile headline reads “Searching for the GOLDEN ticket”.  
Um ... doesn’t he know four out of the five kids who found one were fucking assholes?
Today’s profile-writing grammar lesson:
It’s not “I’m looking for someone THAT is [insert unrealistic expectation here] ...”
It is “I’m looking for someone WHO is [insert unrealistic expectation here] ... “
Finding the WTF Douchebag Message of the Day was really difficult with all of the messages with the subject line “hi” ... but, here it is:
might i say that at the end of the day u look pretty damn good. Love the sexy deep eyes the devilishly delightfully delicious lips and the long dark haired gypsy goddess look. have you ever rod eon a motorbike gorgeous, made love in the rain, taken a trip to the dark side of new orleans or nawlens? But just remember by the light of the day the darkness will make you pray for a brighter kind of way to lift ur spirits from way down below to ride the wings of freedom with the universal flow. Umm those lips are absolutely delicious by the way.”

Tuesday, July 19, 2011

Monday, July 18, 2011

The Bachelorette - 07/18/2011

Ames’ sister says “You won’t find anyone who will say anything bad about him”.
I’m gonna email her the link to my blog. ;) 
Proving he’s out of his (huge) head, Ames calls Ashley brilliant.
It’s a little sad Ames doesn’t know “I’ve never met somebody like you” means “You’re not like my abusive ex-boyfriends; you have no chance, pal.”
Ames goes home –> No Big Fat Geek Wedding for Ashley.
I like Ben F, but don’t like Constantine ... which  is weird, because I suspect they’re the same person.

OMG, something just occurred to me ...

Obsessed with when I'm going to make the next meal, can't express feelings clearly and can't say my name properly ... 

This 5 year old little girl I'm watching reminds me of a few dudes I've dated.


Wednesday, July 13, 2011

I decided to re-up my Plenty Of Fish profile, just for funsies ...

It's always a source of laughs and writing material, at the very least.
This is what the first 24 hours brought:

My profile  headline was “No shirt. No shoes. No service”
Some genius messaged me to ask what it MEANS.
So I changed it to "Excuse my language ... but OMFG"

I have decided, when a dude asks for a woman who’s “easygoing”, he really wants someone who doesn’t care he’s broke. 
And “outdoorsy” means “will give me a hand-job in the car”.

FYI, dudes:
If your picture is of you in your car, we get maternal and materialistic;
We look to see if you’re buckled up & if you have leather interior.

From one profile:
I also love my ride...typical guy, 99 GT MUSTANG, ahhhh 15grand of work into it is a wonderfull thing, 340hp, 390ft/lb/tq.”
I shudder to think what kind of huge, hairy women will read that and know what the fuck he’s talking about.

Men need a heads-up that requesting  “a woman with an edge” is just asking for some bitch to cut you.

If  a guy lists “online chatting” as an interest ,
I’m gonna guess he hits on 12 year old boys on Second Life, after his girlfriend goes to bed.

“it’s a plus if you like boardgames”

To the dude who loves “private island vacations”:
*cough ... Bullshit

Every time I see a profile marked “Serious member”, I imagine the guy has a very stern looking penis.

Douchebag-incoherent message of the day:

I found my self staring longingly into your eyes and did not hear a word you said...  Is that the kind of creepy your worried about? Perhaps it was like most of my relationships... oh! look at the bird out the window ... crap! another distraction.  Excuse me, I did not hear what you said I was not listening, can you please repeat that?

Thank you to POF for the screamingly honestly-named  Users who want to meet you” feature.

Monday, July 11, 2011

The Bachelorette: 07/11/2011

I like Ben F, but the "We're going places" metaphor would've been way hotter,
if he hadn't been leaving on a moped date, at the time.

Ashley again proves her deep understanding of men,
by asking them to pose for wedding photos and not freak the fuck out.

Ashley rationalizes getting Lucas to pose for traditional Taiwanese photos,
by saying "he's a traditional southern guy, so I thought this would be suited for him".  

Brilliant thinking, Ash ... the cultural similarities between Taiwan and Alabama are endless.

Does it ever strike anyone else as weird, when a dude is asked if he wants to get married and he answers "I want kids". Color me crazy, but it kind of seems like an "I'm shopping for a uterus" kind of answer.

Constantine is kind of dark and creepy.  I'd probably fall in love with him, if I ever met him.
Lucas has anger issues. I'd probably fall in love with him, if I ever met him.
Ames gives off a preppy murderer vibe. I'd probably fall in love with him, if I ever met him.

Ashley feels nothing romantic for Ryan.
That probably means he's the only guy there who's not a sociopath.

I feel you, girl.


Sunday, July 10, 2011

Girls' Night Out: the debriefing ...

Notes I tequila-typed into my Blackberry last night:

I don’t think there was even one dude in the place who was 6 feet tall.  (*sigh) I have decided there should be a bar dedicated to hunky football players and the women who wanna throw a leg over.
Speaking of football [analogies]: Dudes who dress like clowns are throwing a fashion Hail Mary;
They know they have no game, so they slap on some multi-colored swim trunks and Batman t-shirt and try to score using the “I’m the cute/funny guy” angle. 
Watching people in their 20s trying to seduce each other is SO awkward ... and makes me wonder why anyone would freak out about turning 30.  Someone needs to tell them it’s a way better decade for good nookie.
Girls try to bang the DJ. 
Women date the owner. 
Really desperate girls try to bang the idiot DJ who mixed the Thong Song into Grenade.

(seriously ... wtf was he thinking?)
I love my buddy:
Every woman needs a friend who will tell dudes “she’s looking for someone with a future” on her behalf.


Before I went out, I changed my Facebook status to
"Averill is putting on slutty shoes and leaving the house"

Only 4 people *liked* it and all of them were women.

The universe must be a little off-kilter.


Saturday, July 9, 2011

Oh, a girl can dream ...

Waking up on Saturday morning, with maple syrup in your hair would be way more fun if there was another person with you, who was also waking up with maple syrup in their hair.


Monday, July 4, 2011

The Bachelorette: 07/04/2011

Watching The Bachelorette (thanks for the repeat, ABC):

If this broad doesn't take JP and Ben the winemaker to the final,
I'm going to start a FB group demanding she be sterilized.


Happy 4th of July!

I wish I had British people I don't like on my Facebook friends list ...

cuz unfriending them today would be apropos and super fun.