Friday, December 31, 2010

Happy New Year revelations

Big balls dropping to mark a celebration could NOT have been an idea a dude came up with.

Just sayin'.

Friday, December 24, 2010

Dear Santa,

I’m ok with the Naughty List.
Coal’s not entirely useless. 
The graphite type might be nice;
I’m in the mood to do a little sketching.

Wednesday, December 22, 2010

Sugar! HI!

I just accidentally tried to put my travel-mug lid onto the sugar container.
Subconsciously, I think that says a lot about my carb addiction.

Saturday, December 18, 2010

pore grammar ...

Was watching a beauty video on youtube and heard a girl describe a facial moisturizer as “non-komodogenic”. 
I’m not familiar with that particular term, but assume it’s good and means “will keep you from looking like a lizard”.

Thursday, December 9, 2010


Curled my hair today.


 A friend said, 

"It looks cute!"

I replied excitedly, 

"Thanks! It's kinda Kim Kardashian-inspired." 



OMFG, I am officially an asshole.


Thursday, November 25, 2010

I haz da foo

Woke up feeling like the monkey from Outbreak and wish I wouldn't keep seeing "Hepatitis is preventable" ads. 

Screw you, Facebook. That's kinda mean.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

eating oat

I’m not telling how many bowls of granola I just had for lunch, but let’s just say the Saskatchewan Federation of Agriculture owes me a thank-you note.

Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Bullets that dodged you ...

I think we should all be grateful to online dating sites for having the “Users who viewed you" feature so we can see pictures of all the people who chose to not fuck us over.

express whine

 I have a theory grocery stores put their worst cashiers at the express lines to punish you for buying less than 8 items.

Tuesday, November 16, 2010

fashionable bitches

 I wish people wouldn't assume the dog's hot pink collar and leash mean she's approachable.

Just because a girl's stylish, doesn't mean she won't bite your ass.

Monday, November 15, 2010

No ants in MY pants ...

 Just noticed that the fabric used to line my pants-pockets is white with spiders. 

Hey, Old Navy, that's kind of creepy.

Sunday, November 14, 2010

The sobering realities of aging ...

Drinking in my 20s: 

Wake up on a curb, skirt hiked up to there, covered in cigarette burns.

Drinking in my 30s: 

Wake up on the decorative pillows, wearing pink plaid PJs, covered in strawberry jam.

Wednesday, November 10, 2010

Thank you, Twitter ...

I'm so glad Twitter has a "suggested users" feature ... 
online dating hasn't been nearly sufficient, in that regard.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Can't get no pastasatisfaction ...

Couldn't open a jar of tomato sauce ... so I treated it like a boyfriend and kept banging it until I still didn't get what I wanted.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

To all of the boys out there ...

Do you remember at the ’96 Olympics in Atlanta, when Kerri Strug landed a vault and won the gold medal for her team, even through the pain of an injured ankle?

When a girl you’re dating makes a fart joke, that is her trying to stick the landing.

Hello, good morning

I am having cookies for breakfast, listening to Diddy on repeat and trying to figure out how to get myself a marshmallow crossbow.  

Gosh ... some days, being self-employed is really HARD.

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Why I Am Single: Reason # 1,522,856

Was outside digging holes today to plant spring bulbs and neighbours asked who I was burying and if I was having a pet funeral.

Apparently,  I look more like a bunny-boiler than a tulip-lover.

Tony Robbins, how YOU doin'?

I think I need to see a life coach; the best career idea I can come up with involves a cocaine habit and Craigslist ad.

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

Dear Nestle

Just tried a no-sugar added Turtle. 

They're a confection abomination.

God didn't go to all the trouble of inventing chocolate, caramel and pecans, so you could spit in His face like that.

My tastebuds are weeping.

they SAID the way is through his stomach ...

Just successfully re-created the perogie pizza from Boston Pizza.  

And yet, I am still single.  
The universe can be a confusing and unfair place.

Saturday, October 23, 2010

Well hello there, Saturday ...

I would really rather still be in bed with a nice, cuddley dude who throws an arm and a leg over and puts his chin in that spot between my neck and shoulder and snuggles ... until I get too hot and can't breath cuz he's squishing me, so I have to elbow him in the gizzard so I can get up to pee.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

Boys party better than girls ...

I can’t remember the last time I was invited to a chick-party I wasn’t expected to bring my chequebook to. You reach an age, when you’re a woman, when the hostess is hawking something at every function you go to.

Scrapbooking parties. Kitchen-ware parties. Candle parties.
Good good [read: expensive] times.

I’ve spent $100 on a candle sconce that looks pretty nice in the foyer, but I’ve never experienced the fun of having to leave the craps table to drain my Mastercard because I ran out of cash.

The biggest gamble I’ve ever taken while partying is hoping that the pretty bra would keep my boob from popping out as well as the ugly bra. I’ve rolled the dice on some turquoise lace, but it’s never cost me my rent for the month.

The worst of the girly-shindigs are the sex toy parties. Maybe I’m a jerk, or maybe I’ve just not been in the right relationship, I dunno … but I think I’d die of embarrassment, coming home from one of those evenings and saying, “Honey, I’m hoooooooome…. An’ I only spent $87 bucks an’ I got this peacock feather an' this wee jar of honey dust.”

And that’s the tame stuff. If I ever get desperate enough to shop for one of those other things, I’ll do it on-line, like all the other shy people, thank you very much .

I will not be checking one out on the inside of my elbow with a bunch of PTA moms sitting around giggling (they say with me), so later they can whisper,

“Did you see that huge thing she bought?”
“Well, she does have 3 kids, y’know….”
"Yeah, but two of them are step-children."

Besides, if I really want to feel lonely and unloved after sex, there’s an ex-boyfriend or two I could call. Whether I'm in a relationship or not … I'm certainly not gonna celebrate my dissatisfaction in front of a bunch of other moms for the low low price of $100 .. then pretend it's the party of the century.

Seriously? If I was married?
I'd want to hide my husband away forever after that, so they wouldn't all stare at him standing on the soccer field, wondering how freaky-deaky he gets ...

Boys don’t buy those things at parties. If they pass out too early, they do, however, wake up with one tucked into the back of their boxers.

Boys party smarter than girls, completely without planning. Girls plot for months, then spend a few hundred bucks on a limo. Boys have no clue what they’re doing until the last minute, but still manage to get the tickets to the box at the Raptors game for free from their bosses. Girls come home with both their eyebrows. Girls never have a court date two months later. When a girl comes home with a tattoo, it’s a teeny-tiny rose somewhere inconspicuous. A boy will come home with a rabid arctic wolf bursting from his rib-cage.

Boys don’t cry when they party too hard, boys bleed and brag about it for months. Their drinks are harder, their injuries more interesting and their strippers are dirtier.

Maybe I need to be friends with more boys. I’d come home broke and broken, but I’d have more fun flinging my money away.


Well, I could shove a 20 in someone’s g-string, but I don’t think Carol from Pampered Chef would appreciate it. She seems like a knickers kinda chick anyhow.


What a tool ...

Realized shopping at a hardware store is like dating. 

The part is never as big as the dude in the ugly shirt says it is.

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

Tits for tat ...

Women who think looking good is the best revenge have clearly never been fucked over by a blind guy.

Getting old ...

I must be getting old.

I was downloading music & stared at the screen in disbelief for a full 10 minutes, shocked there were no results for Maroon 4.

Pick me up ...

Heading out to go grab some caffeine ...

Still thinking there's gotta be some street cred in being able to say you get double-tea bagged every morning.

Tuesday, October 19, 2010


Fettuccini alfredo is the female orgasm of the pasta world:
Most women haven't had either in 5 years.

Jobs on the internet ...

Saw an online dating profile for a guy who says he’s a 
“scientist entrepreneur”. 

I’m pretty sure that’s internet-speak for “I run a crack lab”.

Monday, October 18, 2010

Rock bottom ...

I will never understand why people say such bad things about hitting rock bottom.

There's a lot of ice cream here.

The Devil Wears Prada ... To Denny's

I was talking to a guy-friend of mine recently, who has “girlfriend issues”. I think, overwhelmingly, his concern is that she’s not really his girlfriend…and likely not even a reasonable facsimile. But, as is to be expected, she’s tremendously good-looking.

That having been said, I still don’t understand the attraction. She requires a lot of care. She’s heavily painted. Really, the girl belongs in the basement of the Louvre…If it was an after-hours dance club and served vodka and Red Bull, that is.

From time to time, I ask him how it’s going with her…

“You seen her lately?”

“You gonna see her soon?”

“You think she’s seeing other people?”

“You’re seriously spending THAT MUCH on her for Christmas???”

“She’s high-maintenance, huh?”

We normal girls wonder why y’all love to be with such difficult broads (even if they are smokin’ hawt) … just like you guys wonder … well … kinda why we do everything.

There are soooooo many things a woman will do that will tell you she’s going to be a nightmare….

If a girl tells you PROUDLY that she doesn’t eat at McDonald’s, don’t believe it. The more pleasure a girl has in telling you she won’t eat junk, the more likely it is that she’s really fibbing and going thru the drive-thru for a McChicken (I take mine no lettuce, by the way) on the way home from your place. It’s a rare rare girl that’s hard-core nutritionally (hello, salt and sugar, I looooooove you) … so any girl who tells you she’s always good is (a) a liar, and (b) cranky because she's dying to go home, sit on the floor in front of her fridge and scoop icing out of the tub with Doritos (about 12 seconds in the micro will make it soft enough to not snap the chips)…

If you wake up together on a Saturday or Sunday morning and you roll over and suggest you go out for breakfast and she takes more than FIVE minutes to get ready, you should dump her. Any girl who doesn’t understand that the uniform for weekend breakfast out does NOT include makeup, but DOES include a ponytail and clothes comfy enough to nap in after, can’t function long-term. Yeah, yeah, you all wanna date porn-stars, but they’re no fun when you just wanna ram a huge pile of bacon in yer face.

And, if you ever find yourself fainting with hunger, keeping your crusty girlfriend’s spot in line at the wheatgrass juice bar, holding the Coach purse you bought her, while she madly texts you-have-no-clue-who … don’t say the rest of us normal girls didn’t … nag you.

Sunday, October 17, 2010

I'll take the combo ...

Waiting for my epiphany ... and hoping it comes with fries and a Coke.

Saturday, October 16, 2010

Relative risk ...

I'm getting a visit this week from my brother, on his way out of the country for work.

A few days of togetherness in our family is a great warm up for the dangerous jungles of Colombia.

Cocoa my gawd ...

Saw a woman the other day, wearing a shirt that said

"Give me your chocolate and no one will get hurt"

Judging by her appearance, I'd have to guess all of Switzerland has been spared.

Friday, October 15, 2010

Friday night ...

The dog and I just changed the aerator on the kitchen faucet.

Well, I changed it ... she checked her butt.

That's what I imagine being married would feel like.

Wednesday, October 6, 2010

Things I like about autumn

One of the things I like most about fall is only having to paint my toenails if I'm going to get laid not having to paint my toenails.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Martha's on Oprah today ...

I heard Martha Stewart is on Oprah today.

I am not going to watch.

I haven't known how to fold fitted sheets for 37 years and I think I can happily live the rest of my life just balling those suckers up in the linen closet, thank you very much.

Monday, October 4, 2010

'tis the season ...

I have to admit I'm one of those people who loves fruitcake.

The three of us should get together sometime.

Sunday, September 26, 2010

fresh rolls for dinner ...

I'm making thai fresh rolls for dinner ... and they're turning out great ... 
 but if I'm being honest, I have to admit they do look a little like condoms stuffed with shredded veggies.

Saturday, September 25, 2010

If I had a time-machine ...

If I had a time-machine, I would go back to when I was 16 and tell myself to appreciate my boobs more.

Friday, September 24, 2010


As long as the Quebec Separatists are squawking about the number of french players on the Canadians, they may as well also insist the french-speaking players be three times the size of the english-speaking players.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Celebridiots: @HeidiMontag

Heidi Montag twittered today:

"Just found, they deliver pet food right to my door for free! No more lugging heavy bags!"

Um ... Heidi? ...

I guess two heavy bags is enough for one girl.

Thursday, September 9, 2010

Sept 9

An apple a day may keep the doctor away, but my doctor is  hot, so I think I'll go ahead and have that donut.

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

For the boys: Why women need men

Reasons why women need men (yeah, it's sexist, but you love it ... because we NEED you) ... :) ... including, but not necessarily limited to:

Spiders: Please don’t kill them … just give them a ride outside … Ok, for me, big spiders ...And scorpions, if we ever decide to move to Africa.

Moving furniture: When we need to move the 100+ pound desk & hutch to rescue the squawking/biting parakeet that’s gotten wedged behind it. Failing that, we need you for pet funerals.

Car shopping: Flirting with the salesguy will only get a girl so far. I need a dude who actually knows enough about cars to know if I’m getting rooked. All I hear is “blah blah blah blah”, cuz I’m thinking “oooooh, so cuuuuuute … leather interior!”

Plumbing and electrical issues: Women’s lib is highly over-rated, I can reset a breaker, but I don’t want to crawl back in the storage closet to do it. If you can’t fix something, I’m sure you’ll have a hockey buddy who can.

High heels: And, no, of course you don’t need to wear them, but when I do, I need a strong arm to hang onto, so I don’t trip and fling the contents of my purse all over the movie theatre. Without you, it’s a complete yard sale.

Body heat: We’re smaller than you and don’t retain warmth as well. You were given broad shoulders and long arms and legs for a reason …

Shopping for meat: Yeah, that’s right. If you send me to the store for chicken, I’m likely to just come home empty-handed and looking greenish …

Day trips with the children: There seems to be an unwritten rule that the dad does the shoulder-carry when the toddler gets too tired to walk at the zoo. Apparently, the deal is: We carry the fetus; you carry the 4-year-old. It’s fair … really … carrying the 4-year-old is hard work, but it doesn’t make you fat.

Discouraging suitors when the girl child starts dating: I’ll happily relinquish the responsibility of intimidating the pubescent boys to you. If some kid slaps a ladder up to the back of the house, it’s your job to clobber him.

Birds and the Bees explanations: I’ll take the birds, you do the bees … and we’ll huddle in fear together after.

Home security: Checking the doors and windows to make sure the house is locked up at night. We shouldn’t have to worry our pretty little heads about stuff like home invasions. I’ll just wait upstairs smelling nice. Just be warned, I might wanna make out …manliness is sexy.

Celebridiots: Stephanie Pratt

From Stephanie Pratt's Twitter feed today:

 "This is the plant that poisoned my dog... Not sure of its name"
Who wants to explain to her that the plant that "poisoned" her dog is called "GRASS"?

Good lawd, I'm amazed the girl can manage to put on pants in the morning.
Or hot pants in the late afternoon, as the case may be.