Tuesday, August 31, 2010

For the boys: Why women need men

Reasons why women need men (yeah, it's sexist, but you love it ... because we NEED you) ... :) ... including, but not necessarily limited to:

Spiders: Please don’t kill them … just give them a ride outside … Ok, for me, big spiders ...And scorpions, if we ever decide to move to Africa.

Moving furniture: When we need to move the 100+ pound desk & hutch to rescue the squawking/biting parakeet that’s gotten wedged behind it. Failing that, we need you for pet funerals.

Car shopping: Flirting with the salesguy will only get a girl so far. I need a dude who actually knows enough about cars to know if I’m getting rooked. All I hear is “blah blah blah blah”, cuz I’m thinking “oooooh, so cuuuuuute … leather interior!”

Plumbing and electrical issues: Women’s lib is highly over-rated, I can reset a breaker, but I don’t want to crawl back in the storage closet to do it. If you can’t fix something, I’m sure you’ll have a hockey buddy who can.

High heels: And, no, of course you don’t need to wear them, but when I do, I need a strong arm to hang onto, so I don’t trip and fling the contents of my purse all over the movie theatre. Without you, it’s a complete yard sale.

Body heat: We’re smaller than you and don’t retain warmth as well. You were given broad shoulders and long arms and legs for a reason …

Shopping for meat: Yeah, that’s right. If you send me to the store for chicken, I’m likely to just come home empty-handed and looking greenish …

Day trips with the children: There seems to be an unwritten rule that the dad does the shoulder-carry when the toddler gets too tired to walk at the zoo. Apparently, the deal is: We carry the fetus; you carry the 4-year-old. It’s fair … really … carrying the 4-year-old is hard work, but it doesn’t make you fat.

Discouraging suitors when the girl child starts dating: I’ll happily relinquish the responsibility of intimidating the pubescent boys to you. If some kid slaps a ladder up to the back of the house, it’s your job to clobber him.

Birds and the Bees explanations: I’ll take the birds, you do the bees … and we’ll huddle in fear together after.

Home security: Checking the doors and windows to make sure the house is locked up at night. We shouldn’t have to worry our pretty little heads about stuff like home invasions. I’ll just wait upstairs smelling nice. Just be warned, I might wanna make out …manliness is sexy.

Celebridiots: Stephanie Pratt

From Stephanie Pratt's Twitter feed today:

 "This is the plant that poisoned my dog... Not sure of its name"
Who wants to explain to her that the plant that "poisoned" her dog is called "GRASS"?

Good lawd, I'm amazed the girl can manage to put on pants in the morning.
Or hot pants in the late afternoon, as the case may be.