To all of the dudes who have "69" in their online dating profile username,
There is a quick video message for you HERE
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Posted by Averill at 1:38 PM
Wednesday, September 21, 2011
It’s been a wonderful few years with you, but I think it’s time we see other people.
You share all my likes and dislikes with everyone. What used to be just between us isn’t anymore; all the intimacy has ticked away.
I constantly learned new things, trying to stay with you. I changed who I was and how I did things, just to please you. It’s not about us. It’s always only been about you.
You cared nothing about my needs, you narcissistic megalomaniac, no matter how often or loudly I protested. Even when 250 of my friends agreed you were a douche, you didn’t care. My pleas in CAPS LOCK meant nothing to you.
You only listen when you want, spied on my most private internet moments, then taunted me with them, in the right sidebar.
I’m afraid to say anything. You twist everything and apologize for nothing. I’ve both hidden things from my friends and unwillingly shared with my enemies, based on your whims.
So many mornings I woke up to wonder what about you was going to be different and unfamiliar.
You’ve changed, Facebook. I just don’t know who you are anymore.
P.S. I’d like my shit back.
Posted by Averill at 5:53 PM
Monday, September 5, 2011
Sunday, September 4, 2011
Guys, I know English is a fucked up language, but words like “playful”, “helpful” and “wonderful” only have ONE L at the end ... it’s “dining”, not “dinning” ... and you like to go “biking”, not “bikking”.
And, for crying out loud, you want to “pique” someone’s interest, not “peek” it.
I will never understand why dudes get themselves tattoo’d all over with scarey shit...
Does it never occur to them that they’re gonna totally creep out the women who see them with no clothes on?
Who do they think they’re getting naked with? Satan? (don’t answer that)
Picture caption: “just spinnin’ some wheels with my bros”
I don’t get how this is hot.
When guys write stuff like this, are they trying to pick up other dudes?
Picture caption: “Casual day at work. Jeans and shirt with cufflinks were a big hit.”
What a douche. His coworkers hate his guts.
“My favorite movie is the Shawshank Redemption I don’t know why but I like that movie.”
I don’t know why, but I don’t envision long conversations into the wee hours of the morning
*long, awkward pause
“I have been known to remodel art galleries on my lunch breaks, making them more artistic specifically in the area of art.”
Sometimes the only appropriate reaction is “what the fuck????”
“I’m looking for someone I can share experiences with”
How sad. We're not a match. I am looking to share not-experiences with someone.
To the guy interested in “ ... discussing the merits of spam as a member of one of the major food groups”
Here’s how that conversation would go:
You: Spam is a jellied canned luncheon meat made from the by-products of the pork industry.
Me: Hang on. I’ve gotta take this call ... Oh. My god. My friend’s friend's hamster died. I have to go.
Whenever someone says they’re “searching for the one”,
it should be mandatory they also add “no pressure”.
“I am very tall so if you don't like overly tall men then I am probably not for you.”
Yes. Because women typically aren’t attracted to big, strapping lads who can reach shit for them.
Boys, never ever ever write on your profile that you’re easygoing.
Some woman will find you, whip you, drain your bank account and put your mother in a home.
“I can pee in the woods and I don't wear sketchers”
Wait. I fucking like Skechers. I have 3 pairs. Was that a diss?
Or does he mean he doesn’t skin artists and wear them as coats?