On online dating: #2,417,994

I have to marvel at the usernames men choose for their online dating profiles.

“Hellboy69” just doesn’t scream “long term, marriage and children” to me.  

I just can’t imagine someday exchanging vows with someone who chose that as his first impression.

OK, I can ... but I also envision bloodletting, a virgin and a volcano.

Bisque-it

I don’t think soup is the best lunch choice for someone doing low-carb.

I would set Pepperidge Farm on fire for crackers right about now.

Things that bring me joy: # 4,882,021

I like watching really pretty women on youtube and pausing the video so the screen shot makes them look goofy.

Is that wrong?

No, I didn't think so either.

The Bachelor (01/17/2011)

This is the most cheesetastic season ever.  Pass the Lactaid.

...

I keep mixing up my trashy TV shows; I keep thinking “These broads really need Patti Stanger.”

...

Telling a dude "I don't want to put pressure on you" puts pressure on him.

I learned this.  Last week.

;)

...

The Bachelor casting directors LOVE girls with attachment disorders, abandonment fears and daddy issues.

It's a miracle how they narrow it down to 25, from 87 bajillion.

...

Smart money is always on the crazy bitch with the biggest boobs who cries a lot.

I should go on this show.

...

you can't makeup this stuff up ...

Went a little overboard exfoliating my face today ... and have a writing class at Second City tomorrow.

So, I have to spend 3 hours with a bunch of aspiring comedians, looking like I have rug burn on my forehead. 

Awesome.

On cougars

I don’t understand the whole cougar phenomenon.

A middle-aged, financially-independent woman looks for casual sex with younger dudes?

Please.

It’s not flattering when a kid in his 20s hits on you. He smells desperation. Or stupidity. Or money. It's not that he really thinks you're hot; He's hoping for a happy meal and a blow job.

Do women forget? Those kiddies aren’t good in bed. I wouldn’t sleep with them even when I was their age. Everything they know about sex, they learned from watching bad porn with their drinking buddies.

If an attractive woman says to an age-appropriate man that he could have no-expections, no-strings-attached sex with a an open-minded, free-spirited, independent woman who doesn’t expect him to buy dinner (or breakfast), he’d gladly bang you just as hard as any 24 year old.

Not to mention that you won't have to get up in the middle of the night to throw his bike in your trunk and give him a ride home to his mom's house.

Wii Wheeeeeee!

I have decided I'll jump on the Wii bandwagon when they invent WiiLazy.

Figurative jumping, that is ... actual jumping is just retarded.