just a quick note, on online dating ...

To all of the dudes who have "69" in their online dating profile username,

There is a quick video message for you HERE

~

So. It's September.

Do you know what that means?

Only two months left before there's a new crop of Movember pics on Plenty Of Fish.

Oh.

Joy.

~

Plenty Of Fish notes: 09/04/2011

Guys, I know English is a fucked up language, but words like “playful”, “helpful” and “wonderful” only have ONE L  at the end ... it’s “dining”, not “dinning” ... and you like to go “biking”, not “bikking”.

And, for crying out loud, you want to “pique” someone’s interest, not “peek” it.

~

I will never understand why dudes get themselves tattoo’d all over with scarey shit...

Does it never occur to them that they’re gonna totally creep out the women who see them with no clothes on?

Who do they think they’re getting naked with? Satan? (don’t answer that)

~

Picture caption: “just spinnin’ some wheels with my bros”

I don’t get how this is hot. 

When guys write stuff like this, are they trying to pick up other dudes?

~

Picture caption: “Casual day at work. Jeans and shirt with cufflinks were a big hit.”

What a douche. His coworkers hate his guts.

~

 “My favorite movie is the Shawshank Redemption I don’t know why but I like that movie.”

I don’t know why, but I don’t envision long conversations into the wee hours of the morning

*long, awkward pause

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 “I have been known to remodel art galleries on my lunch breaks, making them more artistic specifically in the area of art.”

Sometimes the only appropriate reaction is “what the fuck????”

~

“I’m looking for someone I can share experiences with”

How sad. We're not a match. I am looking to share not-experiences with someone. 

~

To the guy interested in “ ... discussing the merits of spam as a member of one of the major food groups”

Here’s how that conversation would go:

You:  Spam is a jellied canned luncheon meat made from the by-products of the pork industry.

Me:  Hang on. I’ve gotta take this call ... Oh. My god. My friend’s friend's hamster died. I have to go.

~

Whenever someone says they’re “searching for the one”,

it should be mandatory they also add “no pressure”.

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“I am very tall so if you don't like overly tall men then I am probably not for you.”

Yes. Because women  typically aren’t attracted to big, strapping lads who can reach shit for them.

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Boys, never ever ever write on your profile that you’re easygoing. 

Some woman will find you, whip you, drain your bank account and put your mother in a home.

~

“I can pee in the woods and I don't wear sketchers”

Wait. I fucking like Skechers. I have 3 pairs.  Was that a diss? 

Or does he mean he doesn’t skin artists and wear them as coats?

~

Plenty Of Fish notes: Fair's fair. You wanna read my profile? ;)

I'll just start by apologizing, if I don't reply to your email right away.
I just got 4 new Calvin & Hobbes books. I'm sure you understand.

Throw your hands up if you've met your fair share of people on here who are friiiiightening ... and by frightening, i mean "the call is coming from inside the house" ... “You use Evian skin cream, and sometimes you wear L'Air du Temps, but not today” … “If Ottawa giveth, then Ottawa can taketh away” kind of terror-inducing.

(and maybe I'm a chicken, but men who are looking for women who are "open-minded" make me nervous)

I think on-line dating is like public transportation ...it’s a fantastic idea, but you can’t control the weirdos that use it ...

But, I'm still optimistic. I still believe in the Easter Bunny, the Tooth Fairy and the idea that I really might find a nice dude on the internet.

OK, but seriously: If you're the kind of dude who has ever found himself thinking, of his girlfriend "OMFG, she's cute, but she never stops talking", we probably won't get along. ;)

~

i am not one of those women who will kill you for chocolate ... but, if you try to steal my angel food cake, you'll be picking yer nose with yer elbow ...

i am great at advanced math, but can't count worth a darn ...

i'm naturally a tremendous klutz, but have spent good money to jump from a bridge ... more than once ...

i can drive a stick-shift, even parallel park on the left side of a one-way street, but have broken my vaccuum twice trying to navigate my apartment ...

mint makes me sneeze, wheat makes me sleepy, and Jagermeister might be responsible for every time i've ever fallen in love ...

i've never had a cavity and attribute it to my unflinching loyalty to Crest Regular Mint Paste ...

i make Kraft Dinner with organic milk ...

Scorpios seem to dig me a lot ... I used to think my POF inbox was some kind of mathematical proof that Scorpios are hot for Aries ... until someone told me that they're just horndogs ...

i think kisses are like pistachios... you're willing to get a sore tongue and even bear a few rotten ones, searching for that one perfect one .... I just ate a half a bag. I call that hopeful. ;)

i am grateful for everything i have, but reserve the right to still be dissatisfied ...
Please just be normal ... not perfect ... just normal.
(and PLEASE have all of your commitment issues worked out already because, if I like ya, I'm gonna wanna keep you around for a while.)

What am I hoping for?

That really incredible uncomfortable feeling you get when you realize you've found someone you’re totally comfortable with ...

It’s all complicated and confusing. It just has to be awesome too.



:)

Plenty Of Fish notes: 08/25/2011

~

“I'm looking for someone to relax with”

Well, no shit, dude ... your profile also says you have 6 year old triplets.

~

If you quote Voltaire and Einstein in your profile,
you probably aren’t really looking for a woman who
“doesn’t take  life too seriously”

~

One dude wrote “I like rolling in the grass like a child”
which wouldn’t’ve been funny if he’d been a little taller.

~

When a dude writes “I’m not into wasting anyone’s time”,
we all know that means he lasts 2 minutes, shoves you out of bed & calls you a cab.

~

I find it hard to believe a dude who he says he’s active, if he can’t be bothered to hit the space bar, in between words.

~

One guy went on and on for 200 words about how he lives a healthy lifestyle,
but has a photo of himself feeding a french fry to a duck.

~

“I am more than capable of taking care of myself, but too much alone time is not good for anybody”

That guy's starting to realize his porn addiction might be a problem.

~
“i’m looking for a suitable partner”

Read: “I’m shopping for a uterus I don’t ever need to bring flowers to.”

~

I know “it’s like searching for a needle in a haystack” is a great metaphor,

but “I wanna be the needle in your haystack” is NOT a very flattering profile headline.

~

This week's "I shit you not, this is a real profile pic":

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Plenty Of Fish notes: Shark Week edition

If your username contains the word “Details”, your profile should be more than 50 words long.

~

The username “ReadyToLiveForMe” doesn't encourage a lot of hopeful feelings you'll be a thoughtful boyfriend.

Just sayin'.

~

Just saw a profile on Plenty Of Fish, where the guy had written:

"My sister always says 'be the change you want to see in the world'."

I would just like to go on record that I did not send him a message

"Holy fuck, your sister is Ghandi???" like I wanted to.

~

“I have good style and have my own look sometimes”

Maybe I'm an asshole, but that second part makes me nervous.

~

The balance between romantic and skeevy is very delicate. Case in point:

“The Rose by any other name would smell as sweet, so I’m waiting my Rose who fulfills my life with her special scent”

~

“And if you want to meet send a message...otherwise what's the point of that thing.”  

I’m confused.

Does he mean the reply button or my vagina?

~

Douchebagweird message of the day:

“Reading your profile over coffee while listening to my cousin trying to convince my Alzheimer's riddled aunt to buy a new washing machine. Interesting, and something I will consider doing again.”

Really, guy?

Cuz your message came in at 3:12 a.m.

~

Plenty Of Fish notes #2

Listen to THIS SONG, loud and on repeat, while surfing POF.

It’ll totally change your outlook. Try it. I dare ya. ;)

It makes reading profiles super-fun.

~

If  a guy chooses “Octopus” as his “fish personality”,

I assume he’s trying to set first-date expectations early.

POF should offer "sea cucumber" as an option. That'd at least be crazy-funny.

~

To the guy who sent me the message:

“Yup, interesting , cute , intelligent (as near as I can tell) just distance.....sorry”

Uh ... thanks for the awkward compliment and pre-emptive rejection?

~

I bet I could tell you how tall a dude is, just by reading his profile text.

No kidding.

~

If you’re going to list “porn videos” as an interest, try to NOT put it before "my kids".

~

One guy has on  his profile “I don't consider myself to be materialistic but I do love hunting for used LPs. I also designed much of my own furniture.”

40 bucks says his end tables are cardboard boxes.

~

You’ve definitely been online dating too long, when you see a picture of a dude and think:

“He’s probably a serial killer. He’d better be good in bed.”

~

Saw a guy whose POF profile headline reads “Searching for the GOLDEN ticket”.  

Um ... doesn’t he know four out of the five kids who found one were fucking assholes?

~

Today’s profile-writing grammar lesson:

It’s not “I’m looking for someone THAT is [insert unrealistic expectation here] ...”

It is “I’m looking for someone WHO is [insert unrealistic expectation here] ... “

~

Finding the WTF Douchebag Message of the Day was really difficult with all of the messages with the subject line “hi” ... but, here it is:

“might i say that at the end of the day u look pretty damn good. Love the sexy deep eyes the devilishly delightfully delicious lips and the long dark haired gypsy goddess look. have you ever rod eon a motorbike gorgeous, made love in the rain, taken a trip to the dark side of new orleans or nawlens? But just remember by the light of the day the darkness will make you pray for a brighter kind of way to lift ur spirits from way down below to ride the wings of freedom with the universal flow. Umm those lips are absolutely delicious by the way.”

~

I decided to re-up my Plenty Of Fish profile, just for funsies ...

It's always a source of laughs and writing material, at the very least.
This is what the first 24 hours brought:

My profile  headline was “No shirt. No shoes. No service”

Some genius messaged me to ask what it MEANS.

So I changed it to "Excuse my language ... but OMFG"

~

I have decided, when a dude asks for a woman who’s “easygoing”, he really wants someone who doesn’t care he’s broke. 

And “outdoorsy” means “will give me a hand-job in the car”.

~

FYI, dudes:

If your picture is of you in your car, we get maternal and materialistic;

We look to see if you’re buckled up & if you have leather interior.

~

From one profile:

“I also love my ride...typical guy, 99 GT MUSTANG, ahhhh 15grand of work into it is a wonderfull thing, 340hp, 390ft/lb/tq.”

I shudder to think what kind of huge, hairy women will read that and know what the fuck he’s talking about.

~

Men need a heads-up that requesting  “a woman with an edge” is just asking for some bitch to cut you.

~

If  a guy lists “online chatting” as an interest ,
I’m gonna guess he hits on 12 year old boys on Second Life, after his girlfriend goes to bed.

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“it’s a plus if you like boardgames”

No.Hot.Nookie.With.That.Guy.

~

To the dude who loves “private island vacations”:

*cough ... Bullshit

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Every time I see a profile marked “Serious member”, I imagine the guy has a very stern looking penis.

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Douchebag-incoherent message of the day:

“I found my self staring longingly into your eyes and did not hear a word you said...  Is that the kind of creepy your worried about? Perhaps it was like most of my relationships... oh! look at the bird out the window ... crap! another distraction.  Excuse me, I did not hear what you said I was not listening, can you please repeat that?”

~

P.S.

Thank you to POF for the screamingly honestly-named  “Users who want to meet you” feature.

Xoxo,

Averill

Ask me what I'm yearning for ...

 I wrote this piece a few years ago & thought today I should update it.
Some of you may remember the original.

Ask me what I'm yearning for and I'll tell you:

A man who would never let something as small as "who cleans the bathroom?" become a relationship issue ...

A man who understands a home is more than a building full of stuff or the chores contained within it ...

A man who thinks it's cute when i'm sappy, charming when i'm scattered, and hysterical when i'm silly ...

A man who understands being faithful is more than just committing yourself physically ...

A man who appreciates having a family doesn't just mean raising happy children ... it's also about raising them to be adults who will want to come home to us when they're older ...

A man who will eventually love my child and is confident I would adore his too ...

A man who kisses me, kisses his babies ... and knows sometimes the best way we can show him we appreciate his hard work is a good old-fashioned dog pile ...

A man who wants to hold my hand often, not in possessiveness, but in support and love ... and tells me with a wandering thumb that everything will be ok ...

A man who knows you can't substitute treating someone like they're desirable for treating them like they're loveable ...that both are important, but only one will truly feed your soul ...

A man who phones when he wants to... hopefully often ... and who looks forward to calls from me, because he knows it means I wanted to spend a few minutes with him ...

A man who knows a simple "I'm here" means everything and fixes anything ...

A man who will just let me be a woman ... and will feel glad when that gets him cookies, grateful when it gets him the spot as the big spoon and always knows all those little things add up to mean there's no substitute for him ...

A man who never leaves me alone, whether he is in my presence or not ...

A man who will forgive my mistakes in the morning, forget them by the afternoon and still count me among his blessings at night ...

A man who magically transforms the trepidation into anticipation ... and the fear into fervor and force ...

A man who can be glad to be with me ... in the moment, every moment ... and shows it with a gorgeous smile with nothing hidden behind it ... and is not still be sad for whatever difficult things that brought him there ...

A man who believes "best friend" is far more than a label and is a gift i've reserved for him, long before we even meet ...

A man who understands what i mean when i tell him i've missed him every day until the first time he says hello

A man who expects and needs as much from me as I do from him ...

Someone who isn’t an asshole.

~

Rapture? What's this Rapture thing?

From what I’ve been hearing, it sounds a lot like Plenty Of Fish. 

;)

 

Someone needs to explain to dudes ...

that extensive familiarity with pornography does not qualify as “pop culture knowledge”.

~

the dating duck test

If he looks like relationship material, swims like relationship material and quacks like relationship material ...

He's probably a narcissistic rage-oholic.

On cougars

I don’t understand the whole cougar phenomenon.

A middle-aged, financially-independent woman looks for casual sex with younger dudes?

Please.

It’s not flattering when a kid in his 20s hits on you. He smells desperation. Or stupidity. Or money. It's not that he really thinks you're hot; He's hoping for a happy meal and a blow job.

Do women forget? Those kiddies aren’t good in bed. I wouldn’t sleep with them even when I was their age. Everything they know about sex, they learned from watching bad porn with their drinking buddies.

If an attractive woman says to an age-appropriate man that he could have no-expections, no-strings-attached sex with a an open-minded, free-spirited, independent woman who doesn’t expect him to buy dinner (or breakfast), he’d gladly bang you just as hard as any 24 year old.

Not to mention that you won't have to get up in the middle of the night to throw his bike in your trunk and give him a ride home to his mom's house.