So. It's September.

Do you know what that means?

Only two months left before there's a new crop of Movember pics on Plenty Of Fish.

Oh.

Joy.

~

Plenty Of Fish notes #2

Listen to THIS SONG, loud and on repeat, while surfing POF.

It’ll totally change your outlook. Try it. I dare ya. ;)

It makes reading profiles super-fun.

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If  a guy chooses “Octopus” as his “fish personality”,

I assume he’s trying to set first-date expectations early.

POF should offer "sea cucumber" as an option. That'd at least be crazy-funny.

~

To the guy who sent me the message:

“Yup, interesting , cute , intelligent (as near as I can tell) just distance.....sorry”

Uh ... thanks for the awkward compliment and pre-emptive rejection?

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I bet I could tell you how tall a dude is, just by reading his profile text.

No kidding.

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If you’re going to list “porn videos” as an interest, try to NOT put it before "my kids".

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One guy has on  his profile “I don't consider myself to be materialistic but I do love hunting for used LPs. I also designed much of my own furniture.”

40 bucks says his end tables are cardboard boxes.

~

You’ve definitely been online dating too long, when you see a picture of a dude and think:

“He’s probably a serial killer. He’d better be good in bed.”

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Saw a guy whose POF profile headline reads “Searching for the GOLDEN ticket”.  

Um ... doesn’t he know four out of the five kids who found one were fucking assholes?

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Today’s profile-writing grammar lesson:

It’s not “I’m looking for someone THAT is [insert unrealistic expectation here] ...”

It is “I’m looking for someone WHO is [insert unrealistic expectation here] ... “

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Finding the WTF Douchebag Message of the Day was really difficult with all of the messages with the subject line “hi” ... but, here it is:

“might i say that at the end of the day u look pretty damn good. Love the sexy deep eyes the devilishly delightfully delicious lips and the long dark haired gypsy goddess look. have you ever rod eon a motorbike gorgeous, made love in the rain, taken a trip to the dark side of new orleans or nawlens? But just remember by the light of the day the darkness will make you pray for a brighter kind of way to lift ur spirits from way down below to ride the wings of freedom with the universal flow. Umm those lips are absolutely delicious by the way.”

~

SOMEONE needs to tell the cashier at the grocery store ...

that no one smashes my peach like that
without taking me out and treating me like a lady first.

~

I decided to re-up my Plenty Of Fish profile, just for funsies ...

It's always a source of laughs and writing material, at the very least.
This is what the first 24 hours brought:

My profile  headline was “No shirt. No shoes. No service”

Some genius messaged me to ask what it MEANS.

So I changed it to "Excuse my language ... but OMFG"

~

I have decided, when a dude asks for a woman who’s “easygoing”, he really wants someone who doesn’t care he’s broke. 

And “outdoorsy” means “will give me a hand-job in the car”.

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FYI, dudes:

If your picture is of you in your car, we get maternal and materialistic;

We look to see if you’re buckled up & if you have leather interior.

~

From one profile:

“I also love my ride...typical guy, 99 GT MUSTANG, ahhhh 15grand of work into it is a wonderfull thing, 340hp, 390ft/lb/tq.”

I shudder to think what kind of huge, hairy women will read that and know what the fuck he’s talking about.

~

Men need a heads-up that requesting  “a woman with an edge” is just asking for some bitch to cut you.

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If  a guy lists “online chatting” as an interest ,
I’m gonna guess he hits on 12 year old boys on Second Life, after his girlfriend goes to bed.

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“it’s a plus if you like boardgames”

No.Hot.Nookie.With.That.Guy.

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To the dude who loves “private island vacations”:

*cough ... Bullshit

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Every time I see a profile marked “Serious member”, I imagine the guy has a very stern looking penis.

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Douchebag-incoherent message of the day:

“I found my self staring longingly into your eyes and did not hear a word you said...  Is that the kind of creepy your worried about? Perhaps it was like most of my relationships... oh! look at the bird out the window ... crap! another distraction.  Excuse me, I did not hear what you said I was not listening, can you please repeat that?”

~

P.S.

Thank you to POF for the screamingly honestly-named  “Users who want to meet you” feature.

Xoxo,

Averill

Ask me what I'm yearning for ...

 I wrote this piece a few years ago & thought today I should update it.
Some of you may remember the original.

Ask me what I'm yearning for and I'll tell you:

A man who would never let something as small as "who cleans the bathroom?" become a relationship issue ...

A man who understands a home is more than a building full of stuff or the chores contained within it ...

A man who thinks it's cute when i'm sappy, charming when i'm scattered, and hysterical when i'm silly ...

A man who understands being faithful is more than just committing yourself physically ...

A man who appreciates having a family doesn't just mean raising happy children ... it's also about raising them to be adults who will want to come home to us when they're older ...

A man who will eventually love my child and is confident I would adore his too ...

A man who kisses me, kisses his babies ... and knows sometimes the best way we can show him we appreciate his hard work is a good old-fashioned dog pile ...

A man who wants to hold my hand often, not in possessiveness, but in support and love ... and tells me with a wandering thumb that everything will be ok ...

A man who knows you can't substitute treating someone like they're desirable for treating them like they're loveable ...that both are important, but only one will truly feed your soul ...

A man who phones when he wants to... hopefully often ... and who looks forward to calls from me, because he knows it means I wanted to spend a few minutes with him ...

A man who knows a simple "I'm here" means everything and fixes anything ...

A man who will just let me be a woman ... and will feel glad when that gets him cookies, grateful when it gets him the spot as the big spoon and always knows all those little things add up to mean there's no substitute for him ...

A man who never leaves me alone, whether he is in my presence or not ...

A man who will forgive my mistakes in the morning, forget them by the afternoon and still count me among his blessings at night ...

A man who magically transforms the trepidation into anticipation ... and the fear into fervor and force ...

A man who can be glad to be with me ... in the moment, every moment ... and shows it with a gorgeous smile with nothing hidden behind it ... and is not still be sad for whatever difficult things that brought him there ...

A man who believes "best friend" is far more than a label and is a gift i've reserved for him, long before we even meet ...

A man who understands what i mean when i tell him i've missed him every day until the first time he says hello

A man who expects and needs as much from me as I do from him ...

Someone who isn’t an asshole.

~

Someone needs to explain to dudes ...

that extensive familiarity with pornography does not qualify as “pop culture knowledge”.

~

tattoo ideas ...

I’m thinking of getting this tattoo’d on my hoo hoo ...

Or maybe this ...

~

FORGET the cheesey advice you've gotten before:

Dance like EVERYONE'S watching.

Otherwise, you're just gonna feel paranoid your outfit's not slutty enough.

~

Extreme couponing

I could never go out with one of those extreme couponing dudes.

I'm an old-fashioned girl.

I think the only person who should save money, going on dates, is the woman.

~

Single mothers make better girlfriends

I don't know why any dude wouldn't want to date a woman with kids.

We can bake you a cake in 12 minutes. 

Single moms: 1

Sack-of-hammers stupid useless chippy bimbos: 0

~

the dating duck test

If he looks like relationship material, swims like relationship material and quacks like relationship material ...

He's probably a narcissistic rage-oholic.

On cougars

I don’t understand the whole cougar phenomenon.

A middle-aged, financially-independent woman looks for casual sex with younger dudes?

Please.

It’s not flattering when a kid in his 20s hits on you. He smells desperation. Or stupidity. Or money. It's not that he really thinks you're hot; He's hoping for a happy meal and a blow job.

Do women forget? Those kiddies aren’t good in bed. I wouldn’t sleep with them even when I was their age. Everything they know about sex, they learned from watching bad porn with their drinking buddies.

If an attractive woman says to an age-appropriate man that he could have no-expections, no-strings-attached sex with a an open-minded, free-spirited, independent woman who doesn’t expect him to buy dinner (or breakfast), he’d gladly bang you just as hard as any 24 year old.

Not to mention that you won't have to get up in the middle of the night to throw his bike in your trunk and give him a ride home to his mom's house.