Plenty Of Fish notes: May Day Mayday

After a long hiatus (read: break to keep my sanity),

It seems nothing has changed on Plenty Of Fish …

It seems a lot of dudes are “not into games”

Which is really too bad; 
I was hoping for a guy with a thing for Monopoly and  fucking with my head.

~

“Im passionate about intimacy and kissing”

Not me. I am passionate about emotional unavailability and sharp hits to the sternum.

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“What you see is what you get... I don't act differently for anyone. I am who I am.”

POPEYE???? Is that YOU???

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“I have two amazing kids who I adore.”

That’s too bad, I was looking for someone who hates his children.

I bet he doesn’t kick puppies either.  He should SAY THAT in his profile.  Loser.

~

And you have “morals”, not “morales”, you fucktard.

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When  a guys says “I’m not looking for a notch in my bedpost”,

 I usually figure it’s because he sleeps on a futon.

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“Life it too short to not get the best out of it.”

I REALLY wanted to send him a message “Then I kinda don’t understand your beard.”

~

I have revised my “must have” list to specifically include knowing when to use “woman” versus “women”. 

It’s hard for me to believe a guy knows what monogamy is, if he doesn’t know the difference.

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A guy sent me a message, asking about my “interests, hobbies and bad habits”.

Bad habits? You need to ask? You saw me online on Plenty Of Fish.

~

And, for FUCK’S SAKE, you like “dining out”, not “dinning out”.

If you like “Dinning out”, you must spend your afternoons standing on a street corner, banging pots and pans.

And, if that’s the case, I think we dated already.

~

America’s NEW Favorite Pastime: ULTIMATE FIGHTING BASEBALL

I have invented a new game …

America’s NEW Favorite Pastime:  ULTIMATE FIGHTING BASEBALL

Rules & Regulations

Rule #1:  No cups, no mouth guard, no protective gear whatsoever.  UFB is not for chickenshit mama's boys.
 
Rule #2:  As you slide into a base, you have to punch the baseman in the nuts or you are OUT!
 
Rule #3:  A foul ball is any hit not intentionally aimed at someone's face.
 
Rule #4:  If a batter hits a single, the catcher must bitch-slap the pitcher once. Twice for a double. Three times for a triple.  In the event of a homerun, the catcher must break the pitcher's nose.
 
Rule #5:  If a batter is tagged out, while trying to steal a base, his team must shout profanities at him as he returns to the bench.
 
Rule #6:  A line-drive to a fielder's nutsack is an immediate grand-slam, regardless of how many batters are on base.
 
Rule #7:  Umpires are encouraged to kick the players.
 
Rule #8:  If you don't slide into a base, when you should have, and are tagged out, your teammates may call a time out to drag you through the gravel.
 
Rule #9:  A baseman not in possession of the ball may slow a runner by tripping or fish-hooking.
 
Rule #10:  The medic shall only be equipped with salt & cyanide. If you can't take it, you are an embarrassment to the American people & deserve to die.
 
Rule #11:  Tie games are decided by a sudden-death punch off between the opposing captains' mothers.

~
 
It's not whether you win or lose, that matters, it's how badly you maim your opponents.
 
Now go out there and WIN, you fucking pussies.
 
God Bless America.

it's written all over you ...

I can tell by your tattoos what kind of women trashy slutbags you like to date.

Attention married men:

When your wife smiles & chirps "Happy wife, happy life", it's not a friendly suggestion.

 It's a thinly-disguised threat that, if you don't let her have her way, she will royally fuck your shit up.

~

Boy-speak versus girl-speak: “We’re gonna have fun”

Attention guys:

When you have plans with a woman, please tell her what you’re going to do,

not simply say “we’ll have fun”.

We hear: 

"I'm going to have a gown delivered to your house, drape you in diamonds and take you to the opera."

You mean:

"I’m gonna slap on some assless chaps, pick up a pizza and drop by your house."

~

just a quick note, on online dating ...

To all of the dudes who have "69" in their online dating profile username,

There is a quick video message for you HERE

~

I'm breaking up with Facebook

Dear Facebook,

It’s been a wonderful few years with you, but I think it’s time we see other people.

You share all my likes and dislikes with everyone.  What used to be just between us isn’t anymore;  all the intimacy has ticked away.

I constantly learned new things, trying to stay with you.  I changed who I was and how I did things, just to please you.  It’s not about us. It’s always only been about you. 

You cared nothing about my needs, you narcissistic megalomaniac, no matter how often or loudly I protested.  Even when 250 of my friends agreed you were a douche, you didn’t care.  My pleas in CAPS LOCK meant nothing to you.

You only listen when you want, spied on my most private internet moments, then taunted me with them, in the right sidebar.

I’m afraid to say anything.  You twist everything and apologize for nothing.  I’ve both hidden things from my friends and unwillingly shared with my enemies, based on your whims.

So many mornings I woke up to wonder what about you was going to be different and unfamiliar.

You’ve changed, Facebook. I just don’t know who you are anymore.

Sadly,

Averill

P.S. I’d like my shit back.