The Bachelor (01/31/2011)

Everything I know about dating, I learned from watching The Bachelor:

It's fun to let a boy buy you thousands of dollars worth of nice clothes, then wear flip flops to dinner.

I want to be a funeral director, so I can truthfully say to all my dates that guys are dying to be with me.

Guys give the most attention to hot psychos.
(ok, this isn't new information)

Girls are always shocked when boys pull away.

I do not cry more than any other chick on the planet.
(ok, this IS new information)

Women constantly crave feeling special. Men constantly crave feeling boobs.

The face-grabber smooch never fails to be genuine and romantic, no matter how many bitches you snog in one evening.

Saying "I'm falling for you" to a girl whose fiance died in a plane crash is a little mean.

Dates that are 80% crying are perfectly acceptable. 
Ask your therapist; he'll tell you it's healthy. 

Creepy = Sexy

I want my next relationship to have a televised exit interview.


This episode was all about chicks who cry a lot.
It's like it was made just for me.
Thank you, ABC <3


;)

On online dating: #2,418,004

I don’t trust a big, burly, tattoo’d dude who has pictures of an itty-bitty girly-dog on his profile.

It probably means his last girlfriend moved out in such a rush, she was willing to leave her puppy...

We've GOT yer "something blue"

I have a sneaking suspicion TLC channel’s Friday night line-up aimed at chicks at home alone, with its multiple episodes of “Say Yes To The Dress”, “Cake Boss” and “Four Weddings”,  is secretly sponsored by pharmaceutical companies hawking anti-depressants.

Or maybe icecream manufacturers.

Ben & Jerry did always strike me as sadistic fuckers, with their tiny tubs of 87 thousand calorie deliciousness.

On online dating: #2,417,994

I have to marvel at the usernames men choose for their online dating profiles.

“Hellboy69” just doesn’t scream “long term, marriage and children” to me.  

I just can’t imagine someday exchanging vows with someone who chose that as his first impression.

OK, I can ... but I also envision bloodletting, a virgin and a volcano.

Bisque-it

I don’t think soup is the best lunch choice for someone doing low-carb.

I would set Pepperidge Farm on fire for crackers right about now.

Things that bring me joy: # 4,882,021

I like watching really pretty women on youtube and pausing the video so the screen shot makes them look goofy.

Is that wrong?

No, I didn't think so either.

The Bachelor (01/17/2011)

This is the most cheesetastic season ever.  Pass the Lactaid.

...

I keep mixing up my trashy TV shows; I keep thinking “These broads really need Patti Stanger.”

...

Telling a dude "I don't want to put pressure on you" puts pressure on him.

I learned this.  Last week.

;)

...

The Bachelor casting directors LOVE girls with attachment disorders, abandonment fears and daddy issues.

It's a miracle how they narrow it down to 25, from 87 bajillion.

...

Smart money is always on the crazy bitch with the biggest boobs who cries a lot.

I should go on this show.

...