I haz da foo

Woke up feeling like the monkey from Outbreak and wish I wouldn't keep seeing "Hepatitis is preventable" ads. 

Screw you, Facebook. That's kinda mean.

eating oat

I’m not telling how many bowls of granola I just had for lunch, but let’s just say the Saskatchewan Federation of Agriculture owes me a thank-you note.

Bullets that dodged you ...

I think we should all be grateful to online dating sites for having the “Users who viewed you" feature so we can see pictures of all the people who chose to not fuck us over.

express whine

 I have a theory grocery stores put their worst cashiers at the express lines to punish you for buying less than 8 items.

fashionable bitches

 I wish people wouldn't assume the dog's hot pink collar and leash mean she's approachable.

Just because a girl's stylish, doesn't mean she won't bite your ass.

No ants in MY pants ...

 Just noticed that the fabric used to line my pants-pockets is white with spiders. 

Hey, Old Navy, that's kind of creepy.

The sobering realities of aging ...

Drinking in my 20s: 

Wake up on a curb, skirt hiked up to there, covered in cigarette burns.

Drinking in my 30s: 

Wake up on the decorative pillows, wearing pink plaid PJs, covered in strawberry jam.

Thank you, Twitter ...

I'm so glad Twitter has a "suggested users" feature ... 
online dating hasn't been nearly sufficient, in that regard.

http://twitter.com/Averill_P

Can't get no pastasatisfaction ...

Couldn't open a jar of tomato sauce ... so I treated it like a boyfriend and kept banging it until I still didn't get what I wanted.

To all of the boys out there ...

Do you remember at the ’96 Olympics in Atlanta, when Kerri Strug landed a vault and won the gold medal for her team, even through the pain of an injured ankle?

When a girl you’re dating makes a fart joke, that is her trying to stick the landing.

Hello, good morning

I am having cookies for breakfast, listening to Diddy on repeat and trying to figure out how to get myself a marshmallow crossbow.  

Gosh ... some days, being self-employed is really HARD.

Why I Am Single: Reason # 1,522,856

Was outside digging holes today to plant spring bulbs and neighbours asked who I was burying and if I was having a pet funeral.

Apparently,  I look more like a bunny-boiler than a tulip-lover.

Tony Robbins, how YOU doin'?

I think I need to see a life coach; the best career idea I can come up with involves a cocaine habit and Craigslist ad.

Dear Nestle

Just tried a no-sugar added Turtle. 

They're a confection abomination.

God didn't go to all the trouble of inventing chocolate, caramel and pecans, so you could spit in His face like that.

My tastebuds are weeping.

they SAID the way is through his stomach ...

Just successfully re-created the perogie pizza from Boston Pizza.  

And yet, I am still single.  
The universe can be a confusing and unfair place.